Oh joy!!! Another TV show highlighting the exploits of half-assed celebrities!! Just what we needed. Now, I know, I know….a lot of you love DWTS and I promise, I’m not judging YOU PEOPLE. Fact is, “Dancing with the Stars” is a worldwide phenomenon so I guess we need to address it. Especially since the curtain goes up on the new season March 22nd on ABC. So who’s in for this season? (like you don’t already know..)
Kate Gosselin– Yes. The Jon and Kate Plus 8 Gollum has been selected for this seasons installment. While she is a Gollum, at least she is doing better than her former hubby/invertebrate Jon Gosselin who recently turned down a role in Douchebag: the Musical. Side note, in a spot of irony all 8 of her children have been adopted by various Cambodian familes. Vegas odds for Gosselin to win DWTS: 16/1
Buzz Aldrin– No, not the guy from Toy Story, the REAL NASA astronaut. The second man to ever step foot on the moon? No? Still not ringing a bell? Geez. Do they teach you people anything in school anymore? Vegas has him as the longshot to win this season of DWTS at 50/1 but there is much shorter odds on him breaking a hip.
Aiden Turner– You know, I spent 2 whole minutes (which is plenty of time to ensure my journalistic integrity) on Google trying to figure out who Aiden Turner is and I came up empty. No idea where this jerk came from. Looking at his picture, he could totally be Vanilla Ice’s JCrew wearing brother. Vegas odds: 16/1
Erin Andrews– Erin is a ESPN reporter who recently was in the news due to a peeping tom video taping her while she undressed THRU THE PEEPHOLE IN HER HOTEL ROOM DOOR. Wow. That’s impressive. The ingenuity AND the footage he got which I am totally not watching right now. Vegas odds? 10/3
Niecy Nash– Niecy is one of the stars on the ultra hilarious Reno 911 TV show. She rules, she makes me laugh, I have nothing bad to say about Niecy. Which may be a first. I will say this was probably unnecessary though. Vegas odds? 20/1
Chad Ochocinco– Oh Ochocinco. Chad is a WR in the NFL for the Cincinnati Bengals. As you can tell from the picture, Chad is….special. He changed his last name to Ochocinco from Johnson because the NFL wouldn’t let him put Ochocinco on the back of his jersey in lieu of his last name. Chad is known for his outrageous touchdown celebrations. Click here to check em out. Vegas Odds? 5/1
Evan Lysacek- Lysacek, fresh off his gold medal in Men’s Figure Skating at the Olympics in Vancouver, is on for this season of DWTS. How is this even fair to the rest of the field? I say, even the odds and make him wear nothing but flannel and denim WITH NO BEDAZZLING. Something tells me that might throw him off his game. Vegas odds? 9/4
Pamela Anderson- Score!! Vegas odds are 12/1 on Pam but more importantly I’ve been making some calls and Vegas has an even line on the possibility of the greatest and most best wardrobe malfunction in the history of ever. But then again, I bet even the Queen of England has seen Pam’s sweater kittens.
Nicole Sherzinger– Nicole is the lead singer of the Pussycat Dolls. I think. Again, how is this fair? She dances for a living. That’s like having Mitt Romney compete in a Department Store Mannequin Look A Like Contest. Which is why she has the shortest Vegas odds at 7/3.
Jake Pavelka– This freakin’ guy. The Bachelor Season 5 douche-helmet. Sorry. I truly hate this guy. I wish somebody would build a 100-story flight of stairs that went straight down so that I could push this guy down them. He’s like a Slinky really. Pretty worthless generally but you can’t help but smile when you see ’em tumbling down some stairs. Vegas odds? 14/1
and lastly, Shannen Doherty– Oh Brenda Walsh. I’ve always been a fan. When Bevery Hills 90210 was on and everybody else liked cookie cutter blonde Jennie Garth and Horse Face Spelling, I was on Team Brenda. She’s my pick to win it all. Vegas Odds have her at 14/1 and if I actually earned a living wage working here at CBS, I’d put some money on it.