Horror-scopes May 26-June 2

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gemini1 Horror scopes May 26 June 2
We are now in the time of the Twins, you Gemini’s. A lot of ridiculousness awaits you in this week’s installment of Dr. Cranfill’s HORROR-SCOPES!!!!

Gemini May 21-Jun 22
Gemini-come on boy, come see about me…Who doesn’t love Motown right? If you answered no to that question, for one you’re a re-tard for answering a rhetorical question and two, the hell is wrong with you? Who doesn’t love Motown? What kind of Nazi are you? “Come on boy, come see about me.” Sounds like a challenge to me. A challenge issued because Miss Diana Ross freakin’ knew she had that good stuff at home and if it was ever called into question, she would show em what’s up. Whoever is questioning you and yours this week, make sure you channel that cool swagger of Diana Ross when you give em their answer. Power song? Diana Ross and the Supremes- Come See About Me

Leo July 23-Aug 21
Leo- I’m the one natural one, take it easy…Holy Folk Implosion sighting!! Seriously, when was the last time you heard this song? The better question may be, have you ever HEARD this song? Yes this is a bit out of the JACK FM playlist range but I have been writing horrorscopes with power songs for 3+ years now and even with our extensive playlist, it’s time for power song expansion. So. This one, natural one you are going to encounter this week is going to be somebody with a special set of skills in a medium that you are woefully ignorant in. Let the experts handle their fields of expertise instead of pretending you’re an expert when you so obviously aren’t. Power song? Folk Implosion- Natural One

Taurus Apr.21-May21
Taurus- thieves, liars, murderer’s, hypocrites and bastards…..Quick multiple choice quiz. Thieves, liars, murderers, hypocrites and bastards are also words that describe A) Congress, B) Red Sox fans, C) OJ Simpson SPECIFICALLY, or D) people who just piss us off in some way and we call them these things because we’re all steeped in the fine art of hyperbole. Most people are one of those four things but if you are going to call them as such, make sure they deserve it. Hyperbole may get you in trouble this week. Power song? Ministry- Thieves

Cancer June 22-July 22
Cancer- you learn to accept it, you know you’re so pathetic…We all learn to accept things ENTIRELY too easy these days and it is in fact, pathetic. Be thinking about what you may have just accepted as reality here recently and see if you can find your pathetic. I promise you it’s there. You Cancer’s are ever backing down in order to avoid conflict and somebody has used that knowledge to bend you to their will and you didn’t even realize it. Yep. There’s some slick bastards like that out there. You never even see ‘em coming which is why you should sharpen your resolve now, they may already be here. Power song? Local H- Bound to the Floor

Sagittarius Nov.23-Dec.22
Sagittarius- if it wasnt for date rape I’d never get laid…Yeah, the job gets done in the end but damn Sagits! You’ve been getting desired results here recently but it’s how you are achieving them that makes me pause. Yes, this is a results based world but in the long run, you are judged and categorized more on how you got to where you were going than on your final destination. Examine your MO on things this week and see if there isn’t a better, more honorable way to get what you want sans the metaphorical roofies. Power song? Sublime- Date Rape

Scorpio Oct.24-Sept.22
Scorpio- call me, call me any, anytime…Lemme tell you something about Deborah Harry. When she speaks. You best had listen. I saw her stab a catering staffer at Jack’s 3rd Show with the shard of a broken spork because he brought her chicken and rice when she so obviously asked for salmon and cous-cous. So when she says call me, call me anytime, she is saying you Scorpio’s should be open to granting favors for people this week. It wouldn’t hurt you to grant more of them even beyond just this week. Power song? Blondie- Call Me

Virgo Aug.22-Sept.23
Virgo- she thinks she missed the train to Mars, shes out back counting stars…We’ve all got that one space cadet friend. You know the type. You understand less than 15% of anything they ever say. You had a mini-aneurism once thinking about what might be rattling around in their skull. Yeah. THEM. Whoever this person is in your life, they’re gonna ramp up the weirdness this week and it is imperative that you neither try to change them or decipher their message. For both your safeties. Power song? Hum- Stars

Aquarius Jan.21-Feb.19
Aquarius- i’m not aware of too many things, i know what I know if you know what I mean…Spoken like a true member of a Tea Party member there Edie. None of us know ANYTHING. I know you think you’re smart and all but let’s be honest, we’re all pretty stupid. We still haven’t figured out if eggs are good or bad for us. Admit you’re stupid and start looking for new knowledge to obtain this week and you’ll be one step ahead of the rest of us stupids. Power song? Edie Brickell- What I Am

Aries Mar.21-Apr.20
Aries- please, please, please, do not gooooo…..Man, you guys totally look like my imaginary dog right now when he begs for the imaginary Snausages that I am not holding because I never bought them because it’s a stupid imaginary dog. Point is, you’ve kinda been begging for something here recently and it does not suit you. You are not a cute begging dog, you are a street crazed Doberman who lives off of raw meat and gunpowder. Go back to that and cease with the puppy dog eyes. Power song? Violent Femmes- Please Don’t Go

Pisces Feb.20-Mar.20
Pisces- some will die in hot pursuit and fiery auto crashes….This song will forever be in my head since it was playing on the drive to the hospital when I cut my arm off after falling thru a plate glass window at a car wash in 1997. 100% True story. 118 stitches and a blood transfusion later I was aware of one universal truth: Never wrestle near plate glass windows. You are going to have to opportunity to save somebody from doing something super-stupid this week. That is, IF you decide to step up and say hey buddy, I don’t think that’s a good idea. Do ‘em a favor and discourage their wreckless behavior. Unless of course you would like to see them get hurt and if that is the case then stay away from me you cold, cold bastard. Power song? Butthole Surfers- Pepper

Capricorn Dec.23-Jan.20
Capricorn- shout, shout, let it all out…Everybody needs on outlet for their frustration. 49ers linebacker Patrick Willis has opposing running backs, Ike had Tina, Nick Manning had a bevy of porn actresses to work with, but what do YOU take your frustrations out on Capricorns? Make sure it isn’t someone or something that doesn’t deserve it. Otherwise I see a very awkward conversation between you and the SPCA on the horizon. Power song? Tears for Fears- Shout

Libra Sept.24-Oct.23
Libranow is the time for me to rise to my feet….First off, yes this one HEAVY HEAVY song but I got some HEAVY news to drop on your Libra’s. You’re gonna get pregnant, die, or get engaged this week. Again, I kid. I just like watching you people squirm. Remember last week when I told you to make sure other people weren’t mis-labeling you? Yeah well, this is the week you get all up their face about it. Let Hatebreed be your soundtrack to this. Just try and not headbutt anybody because trust me, listening to this song will make you want to give someone the Irish kiss. Power song? Hatebreed- I Will Be Heard

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