Only the Brits have that uncanny ability to balance poetic misery with a refreshing bit of dry, deliberate mirth. Most specifically our man, Moz. Reputedly asexual and definitely not a carnivore (you know what they say about a man who doesn’t like his meat…yeah, we don’t either) , [lastfm]Morrissey[/lastfm] is trying to convince his good mate, [lastfm]Russell Brand[/lastfm], that a sex-free, meat-free life is that way to go. Especially if that means not getting married to his notorious sex-symbol party girl fiancé, [lastfm]Katy Perry. [/lastfm]
We would give up a lifetime of meat not to get married, but we would not give up a lifetime of intimate cuddling with [lastfm]Katy Perry[/lastfm]’s boobs…we mean, stroking her electric blue hair…we mean, find out what we really mean after the cut!
Moz detests a good hitching, but he won’t hesitate to sing at the wedding, according to the bosomy one herself,[lastfm] Katy Perry[/lastfm]:
“I met [lastfm]Morrissey[/lastfm] for the first time the other day and we had tea together. He’s Russell’s mate and he is fascinating but he was giving us a hard time about getting married. He swooned and sighed, ‘Oh, left hand third finger, don’t do it.’ It was just so eloquent and poetic and like one of his songs.”
Did it ever cross your mind that maybe Moz wants [lastfm]Russell Brand[/lastfm] all to himself, Katy? Maybe he has a predilection for attractive men with long, sinewy limbs and beards that look like they hide the secrets of seven generations of pirate scourge?
Whatever Moz’s motivation for keeping the Brand-Perry wedding from happening, we are pretty sure [lastfm]Katy Perry[/lastfm] is onto it. She is trying to turn [lastfm]Russell Brand [/lastfm] away from his established friendships and musical passions with the hope to keep him ensnared in her magical cage of spun sugar and snapping licorice whips saying:
Russell’s all about [lastfm]The Stones Rose[/lastfm]s, [lastfm]Oasis[/lastfm] and [lastfm]Morrissey[/lastfm]. But I’m experimenting on him. Singing new stuff, like [lastfm]Animal Collective[/lastfm], [lastfm]MGMT[/lastfm] and the [lastfm]YEAH YEAH YEAHS[/lastfm]. He says they look like they’re in the same band. He has a point. But I’ve also introduced him to great new English singers, like [lastfm]Ellie Goulding[/lastfm]. I’m giving my man the very best.
Uh, what? You mean you are trying to hypnotize him with your goodies, dominate him, and ultimately change him. Let the man listen to whatever kind of music he wants to Katy.
You know what? We think we agree with Moz on this one. Here’s our little PSA to [lastfm]Russell Brand[/lastfm]: watch your musical cajones, brother. The Queen of Candyfornia has them in a vice grip. No Brit is really a man without his slightly homoerotic love towards Moz.
Never forget that, Russell.