HORROR-SCOPES!!! Oct. 11-17th

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libra1 HORROR SCOPES!!! Oct. 11 17th
Dr. Cranfill’s HORROR-SCOPES are becoming legendary. At least that’s what he tells us. Check out what is in store for you and your sign by checking out this week’s HORROR-SCOPES….

(Sept.24-Oct.23)
Libra
- don’t you forget about me…..Sergeant Stubby. Chester A. Arthur. Harry Stamper. All American heroes and you probably have no idea who any of them are or why they’re heroes. And that’s a problem. Who ever has been a hero for you at some point and time should be remembered as such this week Libras. If hero’s aren’t treated as such then on a long enough time line they turn into Green Lantern and start effing up the program for everyone. Honor thy hero this week Libra. Power song? Simple Minds- Don’t You Forget About Me


(July 23-Aug.21)
Leo
- now count backwards from ten…FYI Leos, a stapler is not a weapon. Put it down. Yes, people are driving you crazy at work and at home but if you hit somebody with that, I looked it up, it’s a 2nd degree felony and that’s two-to-ten and a $100,000 fine. If you got a 100 grand and ten years to waste, go for it. Collate all over their neck and/or eyebrow. If you don’t have that kinda time and money, just do the backwards countdown and breathing thing. Use your power song video just don’t go too deep with it, you just may not come back. Power song? Wax Tailor- Hypnosis Theme


(Mar.21-Apr.20)
Aries
- she seems to have an invisible touch yeah….Yep. That’s what separates professional pick-pockets from amateurs. You never even feel it. Besides the occasional pick pocketing for lottery scratcher money, we also have a different kind of “invisible touch” on every one around us. What I mean by that is that things we do and say, without even knowing it, can seriously affect others. Be cognizant and aware of that this week Aries. And yes, this is me telling you to not be such an insensitive prick. Power song? Genesis- Invisible Touch


(Apr.21-May 21)
Taurus
- if you’re in the game, then strokes the word….Thank you Billy Squier for giving us the absolute best song ever to row a boat to. Row, Row, Row Your Boat can suck it when compared to Billy’s opus of stroke. Team skull, dancing ballet, banging, playing Guitar Hero, digging a ditch, banging, jumping rope, banging. All these things require rhythm and rhythm is what you Taurii need to focus on this week. Set a beat and do whatever you are doing to your own little rhythm. Bet you’ll see a spike in desired results. Power song? Billy Squier- the Stroke


(Nov.23-Dec.22)
Sagittarius
- so whyyyyyyyyy don’t you use it…You know how when you are playing Tetris you always stack everything in such a way that you end up praying for the long, straight blue piece to finally come so you could clear out a 5 line stack all at once? But sometimes you would get to excited and screw that blue piece up and miss your chance and screw your whole game up right? Yeah, that and syphilis are the worst. Whatever skill, piece of knowledge or know how you have, use it when it’s needed this week. Power song? Duran Duran- the Reflex

(Jan.21-Feb.19)
Aquarius
- take it, to the limit, one more time…Damn this is some accidental baby making music if I ever heard it. I think I may be pregnant right now just for listening to it while writing this horrorscope. I’m going to head to Rite-Aid for a 4-pack of E-p-t’s right now but I want you guys to forget the lesson you just learned from watching me. Instead, whatever you have kicked into gear here recently, take that thang-thang to the limit. Top of the mountain. 100%. Anything less than Tenzig Norgay is an insult. Power song? Eagles- Take It To The Limit

(June 22-July 22)
Cancer
- hey man, have fun, nice shot…Good god I forgot how billy-badass this song was. Filter rules. Do yourself a favor and get their Amalgamut album. Anyway, we know Filter was talking about Budd Dwyer’s nice shot but what’s ol’ Budds’ gruesome display of cowardice have to do with you? Well Cancers, something you’ve been eyeing for a while now is about to wander right into the crosshairs of your scope. You’ll have one shot and one shot only to take it down. Make it a nice shot. Power song? Filter- Hey Man Nice Shot

(May 22-June 21)
Gemini
-you gotta keep em separated….Lifted and separated preferably. They look perkily aweso….I’m gonna stop there before I go too far to come back from. Sorry. Ya got to keep em separated huh? Question is, what is “em” exactly? The toaster and the bathtub? Different circles of friends? Your hermaphroditic parts? What do you need to keep separated this week Gemini’s? I would tell you but I am really sh!t at this whole horror-scope thing so you’re pretty much on your own. Just know, something needs to be separated. Power song? the Offspring- Come Out and Play


(Feb.20-March 20)

Pisces-
I’m seeing things for the first time….Yeah Pisces you are seeing things for the first time and for once, it aint cause of the mushrooms. Those two little beady eyes on either side of your fish head are about to be opened up to something, or quite possibly already have been here recently. It’s a trip ain’t it? Ok maybe THAT is the mushrooms but be sure to give your eyes time to adjust to this new vision before you act on anything. Let that post-Lasik surgery crust get cleared away and then, and only then, move forward with the knowledge this new vision has shown you. Power song? Black Crowes- Seeing Things

(Dec.23-Jan.20)
Capricorn- what amounts to a dream anymore….For me usually; a yacht, a bottle of Courvoisier and Alison Brie wearing nothing a but a fur coat. That’s what my dreams usually amount to. But what about you Capricorns? Feeling like your dreams might be becoming just a blaring alarm clock here recently? Hello doldrums. Here’s the thing. Just because we’re all getting adult-y and sh!t these days doesn’t mean all our dreams have to die. Evaluate what dreams are still worth chasing for you and clear out all the other BS. Time management is what dreams are made of. Speaking of, don’t you have a meeting to get to right now? Power songs? Broken Bells- Vaporize

(Aug.22-Sept.23)
Virgo
-I sell the things you need to be….The Cult of Mother Plucking Personality. Tell me this wasn’t the hot hammed jam back in 1988? If you said “No, it wasn’t really.” Please set up an appointment to come to the Dumpy Little Building in Culver City so I can punch you in the neck in person. Not sure how I could punch you in the neck in any other way but in person but let’s not get off track. Damn. Too late. This horrorscope is already over and I haven’t told you anything you didn’t already know. How’s this? A bunch of people are going to tell you what to do and who you are this week, don’t let em. You build your own cult of personality. Power song? Living Color- Cult of Personality

(Oct.24-Nov.22)
Scorpio
- comin’ straight on for you…Scorpio’s are predatory arthropods so usually when something comes “straight on for you” your venomous stinger goes into battle position and frequently that leaves somebody paralyzed and twitching on the floor. It’s quite breathtaking at times. But for this week, when some brave soul comes straight on for you, go with it. Let it happen. See where it takes you. Something tells me you will learn something pretty important about yourself. Power song? Heart- Straight On

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