HORROR-SCOPES…..Nov.15th

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scorp HORROR SCOPES.....Nov.15th
We are in the time of the SCORPION. What does the future hold for you Scorpio’s and the rest of us? Only Dr. Cranfill knows in this weeks installment of HORROR-SCOPES…


(Oct.24th-Nov.22nd)
Scorpio-
if i strip for you would you strip for me…That line might’ve worked for Adam Ant in the 80′s but lemme tell you, the waitresses (and manager for that matter), at Applebee’s aren’t as receptive. Especially when your shirt is already off and you’re on top of the table with your foot in some strangers Chicken Quesadilla singing Back in the High Life by Steve Winwood even though it’s not even karaoke night. But when used properly offering to give ground first to gain some later, may and will work for you this week. Power song? Adam Ant- Strip


 

(Jun.22nd-July 22nd)
Cancer-
the roof is on fire, we don’t need no water let that m….At least 3 of you just said “Hell yes!” out loud to no one in particular after reading that. Not because you are that big of a Bloodhound Gang fan but probably because at heart, you’re a sick little pyromaniac. This is a metaphorical, internal fire that I speak of to you. You’re just getting the first taste of someone or something and Mikey likes it. Don’t douse the flames of your whimsical interest. Let that mother fluffer burn. Power song? Bloodhound Gang- Fire Water Burn


(July 23rd-Aug.21st)
Leo-
is this lump outta my head, i think so…Lumps are generally tough to get out of one’s head. Whether they be concussions or actual people dubbed “lump”. Both are gonna stick with you for a bit. I can’t do anything for your concussion other than to tell you not to go to sleep tonight. But for this “lump” person that is stuck in your head, you need to figure out what it is you need to do to let them go. Whether it’s untying them and releasing them from your guest room closet or it’s attaining a more healthy type of closure, you need to do it and pronto before this becomes a whole “thing.” Power song- PUSA- Lump


(Mar.21st- Apr.20th)
Aries
- breaking the law, breaking the law…BREAKING THE LAW….YES!!! ROCK!!! How many of you went straight to a memory of Beavis and Butthead when you read breaking the law?…Don’t trip. I know I’m not the only one. Aries. Time for you to start breaking some laws, breaking some laws. NOT LIKE FOR REAL breaking laws set forth by the city, state or constitution but breaking some laws that you live by. You may find that some of them should be abolished. Like the California one that says Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship. Cause when I walk out of a bar(or a church) smashed, I think it would be hilarious to see two cows banging in a pasture next door. Power song? Judas Priest- Breaking the Law


(Apr.21st-May 21st)
Taurus
- get up offfa that thing…unless that thing is the Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup McFlurry from McDonalds because dem sonbitches is the truth!!! No for real, Prop 19 or not, that thing is delicious. JB’s next line in is “try and release some of that pressure.” That’s your focus this week Taurii. Releasing the pressure. In whatever form it comes. Ha. I said comes…no for real, grab yourself by the horns and find an outlet lest one of us has to because you’ve gone completely berserker due to overload. Power song? James Brown- Get Up Offa That Thing


(May 22nd-Jun.21st)
Gemini
- if you believe, they put a man on the moon…Well, you better believe it lest you catch 5 upside yo’ head from a Buzz Aldrin right cross. That man ain’t playing son! The kid Buzz decked was a gullible sort. Sucked into a conspiracy theory downward spiral that ended in self-esteem tragedy. Don’t be that guy or gal. Don’t be gullible this week and don’t embarrass yourself with an overpursuit. Power song? REM- Man on the Moon


(Nov.23rd-Dec.22nd)
Sagittarius
- baby we were born to run….Actually, truth be told, I think only Kenyans are really born to run. The rest of us just sorta sloppily jog for short periods of time. Seriously. Why even have the Boston, LA or Chicago marathon any more? Some Kenyan is going to win it, nobody is going to care, and probably two fat people are going to die because they were stupid enough to think they even COULD run a marathon. It’s dumb. Anyway. Sagits. This week, identify what to run from and what’s an exercise in futility. And Bruce? You aint the boss of me. Power song? Bruce Springsteen- Born To Run

(Jan.21st-Feb.19th)
Aquarius
i wanna get next to you…Man Stone Temple Pilots made some filthy sex worthy rock n roll didn’t they? Damn I may need an EPT after listening to this song more than once. That’s called getting it done ladies and gentlemen. With natural, direct machismo. Channel that swagger towards what you want to get next to this week and believe me….. that kittys’ gonna come curl up beside ya. Power song? Stone Temple Pilots- Sex Type Thing

(Feb.20th-March 20th)
Pisces
- that dumb, deaf, blind kid sure plays a mean pinball….and that kid would one day grow up to be our 43rd president. Do I miss him? Actually…sorta. Nothing to do with politics but back then I still had the heart to give a damn and I sorta miss that. What does any of this have to do with you though right? W is long gone and dumb, deaf, blind kids don’t play pinball anymore they listen to Justin Bieber. What Roger was saying in this song is that without the distractions of sight, hearing, and intelligence, his pinball nemesis was super focused on the task at hand. Remove the distractions from around you and watch how quick you start lighting up the multi-ball bonus. Power song? The Who- Pinball Wizard

(Sept.24th-Oct.23rd)
Libra
i’m allright, don’t nobody worry bout me… “This is a hybrid. This is a cross of Bluegrass–Kentucky Bluegrass, Featherbed Bench, and a Northern California Sensimilla.” Damn you Bill Murray. When you leave us, I may cry harder than I did when ODB passed away. Libras. Some of us are worried about you here recently. You’ve been acting…….off. Tell us you’re allright and dont worry about you or tell us what we can do to help. We want to help. Well, ‘cept for those douchebag Aries. They’re a selfish sort. Power song? Kenny Loggins- I’m Allright

(Aug.22nd-Sept.23rd)
Virgo
cuz I want, and I need, and I lust…We all have an endless list of wants, needs and lusts. I don’t care what stupid Maslow says, all we all REALLY need is water and shelter. Ok, and the occasional sexing of some sort but you Virgo’s need to be looking to pare down your list of “needs” this week. Focus and contrast the differences between wants and needs and it will serve you well in the long run. Ok, walk. Long…walk. I know you don’t run.  Power song? Def Leppard- Animal

(Dec.23rd-Jan.20th)
Capricorn
whoooo hooooo!!!…..The more drunk and the more Southern you are the more entertaining screaming Whoooo hoooo!!! is. Some of you understand that, most of you won’t. But why is the whooo hooo for you this week Capricorn? Life is going to spot you some free time coming up here and instead of just reveling in blissful nothingness, you NEED to be on some hyper-active constructive sh!t. Grind on something instead of just being laze when you have some down time, it will payoff quite handsomely. Power song? Blur- Song 2

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