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HORROR-SCOPES!! December 8th-15th

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sagits HORROR SCOPES!! December 8th 15th
Oh Sagittarius. What do the stars have in store for you? And the rest of you for that matter? Only Dr. Cranfill knows and he tells all in this weeks installment of, HORROR-SCOPES!!!

(Nov.23rd- Dec.22nd)
Sagittarius
- rock the sure shot….I really wish your birthday-time Horror-scope was a little more detailed than “a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush”, bush leaguedness but that’s what it is. Although this platitude sounds a lot cooler coming from Mike D and company. Take the sure shot this week Sagits. Yes, it’s a bit against your nature but so was deucing in a toilet bowl at one early point in your life. Trust me. Just take the sure shot over the risk this week. Power song? Beastie Boys- Sure Shot

(June 22nd- July 22nd)
CancerMona said, I want to leave Bennigans…I know you’re thinking, I don’t remember anything in Yellow Ledbetter about Mona from Who’s the Boss and the restaurant chain Bennigans.. You’d be veracious in your feeling of cognitive dissonance. Eddie doesn’t say that according to the official lyrics but damned if it doesn’t SOUND like he is saying “I wanna leave Bennigans”, TWICE in the first verse. Don’t be a Vedder Cancers. Communicate yourself incontrovertibly this week as to avoid misheard lyrics. Veracious? Cognitive dissonance? Incontrovertibly? Where in the hell am I learning this sh!t? Power song? Pearl Jam- Yellow Ledbetter

(July 23rd- Aug.21st)
Leo-
wish me love a wishing wellWell, well, well. Whatta we have here? Terrence Trent D’arby. Doing some wishing. You know what the bible says about wishing in one hand and sh!tting in the other. Its against it. Least that’s what Roy Munson told me. But you know what Leo’s? Sometimes wishing is all we got. Wish away this week but surround yourself with good luck trinkets. 4-leaf clovers, horseshoes, rabbits feet, photoshopped pictures of Katy Perry naked. Whatever. SIDENOTE: Listen at the 1:31 mark of your power song…He’s not saying what I think he is, is he? Power song? Terence Trent D’Arby- Wishing Well

(Apr.21st- May 21st)
Taurus
- things can only get better…whoa oh, oh, ohhhh….You would think so the way things have been going huh Taurus? But no. Truth is, Howard Jones is a liar. Things are gonna get worse. Much worse. And I’ll save you the “night is darkest just before the dawn” BS and just say this. Lactic acid breaks down muscles so that they can be rebuilt stronger. Right now, lactic acid is raining down on you metaphorically. Just know. You’re gonna be stronger when the rain stops. At least that’s Gods plan. As I understand it. I hope she’s right otherwise I’ve taken a lot of abuse over the years for nothing. Power song? Howard Jones- Things Can Only Get Better

(Feb.20th- Mar.20th)
Pisces- you make me feel like…a teenage dream…I’m telling ya. I fought it for a while. I really did. But Katy Perry, day by day, is increasingly controlling my ever waking thoughts. Jeeezus. As if the whipped cream cannons attached to your sweater kittens in the California Girls video wasn’t painfully hot ENOUGH, you had to show up on last Sunday’s episode of the Simpsons wearing a skin tight, latex mini-dress. In the words of Peter Griffin, “WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? Are we gonna hook up? Is that why your sashaying around in my face like this?” It’s too late for me, I’d stab God in the eye if Katy Perry told me too. But for you Pisces, identify what or who’s got control of you and exercise a modicum of restraint. Power song? Katy Perry- Teenage Dream

(May 22nd- June 21st)
Gemini
- been looking so long at these pictures of you…What Robert Smith clearly didn’t know about proper lipstick application and usage of foundation, he clearly DID know about heart ache and holding on. AHEM JOAN RIVERS. No but on some real talk. I had a picture of an ex that I kept for entirely too long in my center console and the day I realized it wasn’t there anymore was the day I realized I didn’t care either. Put away painful pieces of nostalgia. You’re treading water when you should be swimming to shore. Power song? the Cure- Pictures of You

(Jan.21st- Feb.19th)
Aquarius
-………………………THIS SONG MAKES ME WANT TO HEAD INTO BATTLE. Astride the back of a great and powerful steed. Across a red, silent meadow. Broadsword gleaming under the watchful eye of Mars with the howl of murderous rage rippling through my cheeks. Dang. Sorry, the Tron soundtrack puts me in a strange place. Let it put YOU in place this week before you go into whatever battle you may find yourself in. A little adrenaline never hurt anyone. Except for maybe Paul Williams. Power song? Daft Punk- C.L.U.

(Oct.24th- Nov.22nd)
Scorpio-
we built this city on rock n roll….First off. I apologize for your power song. I cannot. For the life of me. Understand why anyone would EVER want to hear Starship. Ever. But it’s your power song because it brooches the subject I need to talk to  you about. FOUNDATIONS. Starships was built on…hell, I have no idea. You know what? I am spending way too much time talking about Starship in lieu of giving you any direction or advice. Really examine the foundations on everything you’ve built Scorpios. You may find a load bearing beam about to give way. Carpenter that sonbitch up.  Power song? Starship- We Built This City

(Aug.22nd- Sept.23rd)
Virgo
dont mess around with the demolition man….Don’t mess around with DMT either. That stuff TAKES you places and you are fine just where you’re at. Trust me. But you are in need of a demolition man/woman to clear a path for you. Somebody to come in and wreck sh!t. A ringer if you will. Kurt Gibson 1988. Be on the lookout for YOUR Kurt Gibson this week because somebody around you is primed for a pinch hit home run. Power song? Sting- Demolition Man

(Sept.24th- Oct. 23rd)
Libra- hush, hush now, voices carry…Yeah they do. Especially when you are 10+ beers into the 2009 Dodgers/Phillies game at Dodger Stadium and you’ve been BERATING RF Jayson Werth to the point he has to turn around and ask you what your problem is. True story. Click on the link. Thing is, I WANTED Jayson Werth to know I was there. I WANTED him to know I’d be waiting for him in the parking lot if he hit a home run that night. This week, if you got something say, make it heard. And if you are talking bout things you want kept quiet, remember voices carry. Power song? Til Tuesday- Voices Carry

(Dec.23rd- Jan.20th)
Capricorn
- to all the girls I’ve loved before…Lisa, Angela, Pamela, Renee. I’m sorry. Wait. Those are the names of the girls in LL Cool J’s 1990 masterpiece, Around the Way Girl.  Well I once loved…oh what was her…. uh…lets see….there was uh………I swear I’m not a virgin!!!! There are a few unfortunate, emotionally broken women that can count themselves in the number when somebody asks me, “how many?” And to them, I apologize for whatever way I may have warped your soul and/or world view. You Caps need to do the same to the ex’s you hexed along your trek. Power song? Willie Nelson and Julio Iglesias- To All The Girls I’ve Loved

(Mar.21st-Apr.20th)
Aries- look at all the lonely people, where do they all come from….You know I had to have at least ONE Beatles song in this batch of horrorscopes seeing as the Beatles just became available on ITunes right? It’s called being topical. You wanna know where lonely people come from Aries? They come from a place where clique-y little clique cliques form and become oblivious to the rest of the functioning world. Try to include a noob into your clique this week so the world will have one less forsaken soul searching for social relevance. If it makes any difference, this is totally a move of self-preservation. Power song? the Beatles- Eleanor Rigby

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