Horror-scopes!!! January 4th 2011

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 zode Horror scopes!!! January 4th 2011
Start your new year off right. Let the gentle guiding force of Dr. Cranfill’s horror-scopes show you the light and the way.

 

(Dec.23rd- Jan.20th)
Capricorn
- ahhh Leah…here we go again….This is Donnie Iris-Ah Leah. Now you can stop asking about it. CONSTANTLY. I was about ready to turn the hose on you people. But I know that not even the threat of a hose can force one to put the lotion on its skin. Instead of “hosing” people to get what you want this week Capricorns, try a gentler, “spritzing” technique. Power song? Donnie Iris- Ah Leah

(June 22nd- July 22nd)
Cancer- it’s the one thing….The one thing I need right now is a saxophone solo aaaand…DING…. There it is. Thanks INXS. Cancers. One thing. And one, single, solitary thing should be your only focus this week. What is that one thing? Hell. I dunno. That’s for you to figure out. What? You want me to wipe your ass and give you a haircut too? Singular focus. Power song? INXS- the One Thing

(July 23rd- Aug.21st)
Leo- I feel so extraordinary…Yeah. Silver spray paint in a brown paper bag can do that to ya. Or for you. Anyway. You need to be sure to manage your highs this week Leos. Whatever they may be. You don’t want burn out their magic due to overuse. Everything in moderation. Except for maybe Ashlynn Brooke. Power song? New Order- True Faith

(March 21st-Apr.20th)
Aries- in a big country, dreams stay with you…Wait. Big Country did a song called In a Big Country? Man, and I thought Jesus was a narcissist. And see what happened to both of em? Big Country never charted again and Jesus was replaced by a fat man in a red suit and a bunny with chocolate eggs. Control your narcissistic tendencies this week. Power song? Big Country- In a Big Country

(May 22nd- June 21st)
Gemini- the answers somewhere deep within…Anybody else want a huge glass of Sunny D after watching the video to this power song? Oh the power of suggestion. It’s a strong one. Especially for you accomplished occlumens. Use your power of subtle suggestion this week to glorious benefits. But do it craftily. Power song? Gorillaz- To Binge

(Oct. 24th- Nov.22nd)
Scorpio- its just another way to die….Alright Evil Knievels. What’s with the daredevilism here recently? Don’t give me that fake puppy dog face either. You know exactly what I am talking about. Carefree is a good life approach in addition to being an affordable brand of chewing gum, but reckless isn’t. Reckless is a road to ruin. And a really awful song by Alabama. Know the difference. Power song? Disturbed- Another Way to Die

(Nov.23rd-Dec.22nd)
Sagittarius- back to the gypsy that I was…You Sags are about to rediscover something in yourself you had forgotten was a part of you. It says something that it was still a part of you after all the neglect and it’s also interesting you forgot about it in the first place. Identify the why’s to both of those issues before you fully re-embrace it back into the fold. Power song? Stevie Nicks- Gypsy

 

(Jan.21st- Feb.19th)
Aquarius- girls, just want to have fun…You wouldn’t know it from the empty state of my bedroom over the last three fortnights. Go ahead. Look it up. I know you have no idea how long a fortnight is off the top of you head. Girls. Just. Wanna. Have fun Aquarii. Both you girls AND guys would do well to remember that this week. Power song? Cyndi Lauper- Girls

(Aug.22nd- Sept.23rd)
Virgo- I’ve got my orange crush…That’s a great name for an Oompa Loompa romantic novel. Orange Crush. If there were such things as Oompa Loompa romance novelists. Well Virgo’s. You’ve found yourself another one of your orange crushes haven’t you? You’re crushing on something. And this time? This time? It might actually be the real thing. For real shorty. Power song? REM- Orange Crush

(Sept.24th- Oct.23rd)
Libra- and I feel like they’re gonna grind away…Black Keys. Brothers. THE Album of 2010. If you disagree you obviously are suffering from an open head wound and should report immediately to the nearest medical facility. You Libra’s feeling like your gears are gonna grind away? Slow your rpm’s, it’s too early in the year for a break down. Power song? Black Keys- Too Afraid to Love You

(Feb.20th- March 20th)
Pisces- this is your payback, money grabber…Payback, also known as revenge, is a dish best served cold. Much like Menudo in that respect. But before you get to the plotting and scheming somebody’s downfall, I gotta tell you. It’s a payback that is going to be debited from your account, not credited. You may even deserve this one.  Power song? Fitz and the Tantrums- Moneygrabber


(Apr.21st- May 21st)
Taurus
- aint that America, something to see…First off. Sorry about that last horrorscope Taurus. I am a petty person. She was a Taurus. And YOU paid for her insolence and that isn’t right or fair. I am trying to be a better person in the New Year. You Taurii are generally good folk so if you took on more of a leadership role over the rest of us in 2011, something tells me this year wouldn’t suck as much as the last. Power song? John Cougar Mellencamp- Pink Houses

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