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Dr. Cranfill presents…HORROR-SCOPES!!!

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cranophi Dr. Cranfill presents...HORROR SCOPES!!!

Artwork by Sasha Huff

What in the blue hell is a Ophiuchus? Dr. Cranfill addresses the proposed newly aligned zodiac in addition to Aries recent air of contentiousness. Don’t miss this weeks HORROR-SCOPES…

(Jan.21st-Feb.19th)
Aquarius
- how bizarre, how bizarre….Holy one hit wonder alert. OMC. Wonder what that jerk is up to these days? Oh wait. Sh!t. He died in January of last year. Now I feel like a total ass and this horrorscope is already half way done. A certain level of bizarre-itude is always present around you Aquarii for some reason but here recently it’s been turned up to 11. I have no reason why but what I do have is this piece of advice. No matter how weird you think things are for you right now, it’s nothing compared to what goes on in Gary Busey’s head on a daily basis. Life is pretty bizarre, just accept that and don’t get hung up on trying to figure too many things out. Power song? OMC- How Bizarre

(Dec.23rd-Jan.20th)
Capricorn
- its a new life for me and I’m feeling good….Birds flying high, you know how I feel. Congratulations Capricorns. Things are, or are ABOUT to be, flying high for you. Here’s the key to keeping your birds flying high. Do not, and I repeat, DO NOT forget how life was for you when your birds were penguins. Cold. Grounded. Trapped in that uncomfortable tuxedo. Respect and reverence paid to the struggles of your past will help keep them from sneaking back up on you in the future. Power song? Nina Simone- Feeling Good

(July 23rd- Aug.21st)
Leo
- me gustas cuando callas….They say calligraphy is a lost art form but if you ask me, shutting the f#!% up is the #1 lost art form of the past century. Me gustas cuando callas LOOSELY translates into “I Like it when you’re quiet.” Now, don’t get me wrong, I am not just flat out telling you Leo’s to callate le boca. Rather I am saying you will be in a spot this week in which it would behoove you to stay silent instead of sharing your stupid little opinion. Trust me. It’s for the best. Power song? Brazilian Girls- Me Gustas Cuando Callas  

(March 21st- April 20th)
Aries
- running with the devil….I love changing the word devil in this song to shovel. It just makes for an interesting mental picture. “Running with a shovel”….Man, I am stoned. Now, I know you Aries are children of the Greek god of war but what’s with all the contentiousness here recently? For real. You’ve been causing conflict on set when there doesn’t need to be any. Yep. You’ve become Shannen Doherty circa 1994. Something tells me you’ve got an issue you haven’t confronted and it’s causing you to act out. Confront that sh!t or the rest of us are gonna replace you with Tiffani Amber Thiessen. Mmmm….Tiffani Amber Thiessen…Power song? Van Halen- Running With the Devil

(June 22nd- July 22nd)
Cancer
- been a long time, since we drove your Pontiac…Am I the only one who is kinda sad that GM discontinued production on the Pontiac line? I mean, I know we have Smart Cars and Prius’es (Priuii?) now but I found SOME solace in the knowledge that if I ever had a head on collision with a Pontiac Fiero I knew I would live and would probably only need a new bumper. Anyway. There is some thing, or person, that you used to LOVE doing and you really should try reconnecting with this lost passion. Whether it’s bowling or cage fighting or a sweet little crumpet named Jessica, it will do your soul some good. Power song? Cake- Long Time

(Feb. 20th- March 20th)
Pisces
- forever young, forever young…Even though myself and Rod Stewart are the best of friends and I was at his last birthday party, I have to disagree with Rod the Mod on this one. Even though the magic and whimsy of this song makes me want to believe in forever young, nothing stays forever young and artificial attempts to stem the tide of time can lead to disastrous results. Understand that things and people get old and instead, focus on finding new ways to love the ever evolving property of everything. Power song? Rod Stewart- Forever Young


(Oct.24th-Nov.22nd)
Scorpio
- promises, promises, you knew you’d never keep….About the only thing that sucks more than broken promises is a broken pelvis. Or maybe a broken wang. Yes, THAT can actually happen. Don’t even ask. I don’t want to talk about it. Point is, somebody is gonna cash in on a promise you made them some time ago this week and it is imperative that you stand and deliver on it. Failure to do so will have consequences that will far outweigh the headache of actually having to do something nice for somebody. Jesus. Why do we even hang out with you people? Power song? Naked Eyes- Promises, Promises

(Sept.24th-Oct.23rd)
Libra
- and keep your hands to yourself….Easy there grabby. I kid. You Libra’s usually don’t fit the groper profile. Can’t say the same for those Cancers though. Creeps. The keeping your hands to yourself in this context means I need you Libra’s to be hands off on as many things as possible this week. A) Because something is about to fail around you and if your fingerprints aren’t all over it, you can’t be blamed for the fail and B) sometimes it’s good to just let go of the steering wheel and see what happens. Yes. Just like in Fight Club. Power song? Georgia Satellites- Keep Your Hands to Yourself

(Aug.22nd-Sept.23rd)
Virgo
- goodbye stranger its been nice…Tell me the chorus of this song doesn’t sound like the Muppets. Seriously. Well Virgo’s, you will be saying goodbye to somebody this week. Moving away, fired, dumped, deported, killed in a bizarre bass fishing accident, somebody is hitting the ol’ dusty trail. On their way out, you are going to find that you may have never really knew them at all. Prepare for that cognitive dissonance but remember all that was good. Power song? Supertramp- Goodbye Stranger

(May 22nd-June 21st)
Gemini
- we’d like to help you learn to help yourself….There’s a certain JACK FM listener that bitches every time we play the Lemonheads version of this song instead of the Simon and P-funkel version. Apparently it ruins her entire day when we do it. So of course we try and do it every other day because…well, we’re a bunch of dicks. Dana, here is how you get over. Listen to the Lemonheads version REPEATEDLY. Immerse yourself in it. Find something to like. The rest of you Gemini’s, do the same. Whatever you hate, surround and immerse yourself in it and see if you can’t find a speck of compassion and respect for your enemy. If you can’t, screw it. Go back to planning its slow and painful death. At least you tried. Power song? Lemonheads- Mrs. Robinson

(Nov.23rd- Dec.22nd)
Sagittarius- karma police, arrest this man….Karma is a total bitch. No for real I dated this girl Carma back in high-school and yeah….I kid, I kid. Don’t tell her I said that. Well Sagits, the karma police are coming to slap the cuffs on some dubious offender in your world this week. Normally this would be cause for rejoice. Especially considering the level of assery the defendant has been operating at but it is imperative you don’t indulge in the “ha-ha f-you” party too much. Karma is cyclical and it would be fitting if the karma police came back for you for reveling too much in the misery of others. Power song? Radiohead- Karma Police


(April 21st- May 21st)
Taurus
- too much, time on my hands…First off. If you have to see the 15 second promo of that abortion of a Willow Smith Whip My Hair song before watching your Power song, I apologize. America, we really need to go back to beating our kids. Kids getting beat with an extension cord don’t have time to make shitty music. Too much time on your hands here recently huh Taurii? You know what they say about idle hands being the devils playground or workshop or whatever. I’m not telling you to curtail the masturbation but maybe if you found a constructive hobby that would help. Follow President Obama’s advice and do some volunteer work or something. Otherwise this boredom is gonna keel you. Power song? Styx- Too Much Time


Ophiuichus-
 ………….. Sorry Ophiuichus. You are not a real sign. You are some stupid thing that somebody made up that has entirely too much time on their hands and I refuse to recognize your sovereignty. I’ll tell you like that one guy told Dick Cheney on CNN…

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