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Dr. Cranfill presents….HORROR-SCOPES!!!!

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aquarius Dr. Cranfill presents....HORROR SCOPES!!!!
We are still languishing under the sign of Aquarius until February 20th when we move into Pisces. What say Dr. Cranfill on Aquarius and Pisces? And the rest of for that matter? Find out in this weeks HORRORSCOPES…

(July 23rd- Aug.21st)
Leo- shock den affen…Shock den…aff…wait…what? Yep. You Leo’s get the German version of Peter Gabriel’s magical opus, Shock the Monkey . Why the German version? If you only half way listened to this one you may not even realize it’s in German. You Leo’s are going to need to avoid this kind of lackluster auditory attention to detail. Listen very closely to everything that is said to you this week lest something slip by you unnoticed. Power song? Peter Gabriel- Shock Den Affen


(June 22nd- July 22nd)
Cancer
- the first cut is the deepest….Ol’ Rod the Mod. Making two HORRORSCOPES in a row. I told you I know the guy and it just so happens that he is playing the Hollywood Bowl on April 16th and 17th. True story. You should probably go to that. Or I could cut you. And the first one definitely will be the deepest. I kid. I like us. But you should be wary of somebody trying to cut you this week. Pay attention. Stitches are one thing, staples are something else. Power song? Rod Stewart- First Cut


(March 21st- April 20th)
Aries-
i got a wild, wild life….You know something I have noticed about the Aries I know? They all seem to live a very weird, random and quirky existence. EASY. I’m not talking sh!t. I’m just saying some sort of chaos surrounds you almost all the time. You are under the Greek God of War. What did you expect? Just know, whatever weirdness you endure, another Aries is probably dealing with way worse. Be thankful your wild life is still somewhat in control by comparison. Power song? Talking Heads- Wild, Wild, Life

(Dec.23rd-Jan.20th)
Capricorn
- as simple as that….for ya simple ass…Eeeeeeeasy. It’s not you Capricorns that are the simple asses. It’s the bovine masses that seem to surround you on a daily basis. And it’s starting to anger thee. You can’t let it. Replace the “God, I want to hit them in the face with a tire iron” mentality with a “oh that’s sad they’re slow like that” mentality. This change in focus should eliminate some of your broiling anger. Power song? Kid Cudi- Simple As

(Oct.24th- Nov.22nd)
Scorpio- the autumn wind, and the winter wind have come and gone….You know that Chairman of the Board swagger? Frank had it. Jules Winfield had it. Now you Scorpio’s are walking with it. Things are going grrrrreat for you right now but it sucks for everybody else. It’s not your fault. It’s just the way the universe was set up. Don’t let people make you feel bad for enjoying your current hot run. But dont bask it in TOO hard remember, there are more of us than you. Power song? Frank Sinatra- Summer Wind



(Feb.20th- March 20th)
Pisces
- up…side down… When life turns upside down for me you know what I do?….Cartwheels. Why are you fishies swimming upside down these days? It’s unnatural. The only time I ever see fish swimming upside down is when they have a hook in their mouth. What’s the hook that’s got you fine yellowtail tuna swimming upside down? Better shake free before you end up sashimi. Power song? Diana Ross & the Supremes

(May 22nd- June 21st)
Gemini
- how long has this been going on…I’m not one for hyperbole but I feel safe in saying that this is the greatest and most best song AND video that has ever been created. If you disagree you are obviously wrong. On to your horrorscope. Something has slipped by your radars here recently and I think it’s about to blip up on your screen. Focus less on its flight path and more on how it got by your radar in the first place. Power song? Ace- How Long

 (Aug.22nd- Sept.23rd)
Virgo
- baby hold on to me…That’s the last thing people usually say before one of you Virgo’s literally crashes into them. No I mean it. According to an Allstate Insurance Co. study, Virgo’s are 700% more likely to be involved in an auto accident than the lowest ranked on the zodiacal list, Scorpio. 700%?!!! What’s wrong with you people? Don’t run into me!! PLEASE! I can’t imagine having to explain the contents of my car to a policeman in the event of an accident. SLOW DOWN. Don’t run into others this week. Especially me. Power song? Eddie Money- Hold On

(Apr.21st- May 21st)
Taurus
- im busted but my heart won’t let me die….Raise your hand if you think those lyrics are from a Celine Dion song? All of you with your hands raised learn forward so I can slap the beejesus out of you. Cranfill don’t know no Celine Dion. That there’s words from Dan Auerbach the mouthpiece of the Black Keys. And like any good blues man, yeah, he’s busted but that brings out the best in his soul. I expect the same from you this week Taurii. But please, nayno on the harmonica. You aint no John Popper. Thankfully. Power song? Black Keys- Busted




(Sept.24th- Oct.23rd)

Libra
- thunder……THUNDER…..THUNDER….I have been campaigning relentlessly for us to add Thunderstruck to the JACK FM rotation. For some reason, it’s still not in the mix. After listening to the sheer power of Thunderstruck I have decided that I must take this into my own hands. I’ma storm into the bosses office next Friday and demand that either JACK start playing Thunderstruck or I quit. So yes. This will probably be the last horrorscope ever. If you’re gonna roll the dice on a stand of your own this week, make sure you can handle crapping out. Power song? ACDC- Thunderstruck

(Nov.23rd-Dec.22nd)
Sagittarius
- is this the real life, is this just a fantasy…..Good question Gonzo. Yep. Gonzo. You’re getting the Muppets version of this Queen classic. Why? Because the chicken bones I’ve been throwing say things are a changing for you. See how the ribcage fell at an acute angle to the wing? Yeah. It’s nothing to be scared of though. We’re all going thru revolutionary times. Just know, every revolution from Egypt to Falkirk needs a leader. You Sags are our leaders right now. Carry the lantern. Power song? the Muppets- Bohemian Rhapsody

(Jan.21st- Feb.19th)
Aquarius
- girl, you really got me going….Ladies and gentlemen I present to you my nomination for next years Super Bowl Half Time Show, Van Halen. Enough with the shitteaousness. Black Eyed Peas MORTALLY offended me as a football fan. And now, NOW you are talking about a LOCKOUT for the 2011 season? Good god you all disgust me. You have the greatest thing going and you want to bang it all up and for what? 10% more profit? Aquarii, truly appreciate what you got going and try not to eff it up like the NFL. Power song? Van Halen- Got Me Going

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