Certain months have themes. February is Black History Month. March is National Frozen Food Month. April of course is Autism Awareness Month. So the question is….what is May?
According to Bitchmagazine.org……(.org? Really?) and several other pseudo-news outlets, May is National Masturbation Month.
Read the LA TIMES BLOG May Masturbation Month piece…HERE
We tell you this not to be risqué, or cool, or edgy or whatever. Our coverage of National Masturbation Month is purely journalistic.
So here are some tips for you moving forward for the month of May…
-Get clearance from any and all housemates before eating any fruit or vegetables that don’t belong to you.
-Do your sock laundry. A sock that can double as a hat rack is beyond disgusting. And sad.
-Do not keep your super glue and lotion side by side on your night stand.
-If you are into the whole auto-erotic asphyxiation thing, have a master knot maker tie your ropes and safety releases. We already lost Micheal Hutchence and Caine from Kung-Fu that way.
-May is probably not the best month to buy a detachable shower head at a yard sale.
-The TSA estimates that over 600 people a year are involved in traffic accidents due to masturbating while driving. Get your business done before you hit the 405.
-As history tells us, it would be better to just refrain from masturbating ANYWHERE in Sarasota, FL. Right Pee Wee?
-If you are a minister who vehemently opposes masturbation it would behoove you to not get caught touching yourself in a New Orleans city park.
And this is the most important piece of advice I can give you for this May Masturbation Month…
-DELETE YOUR THE FREAKIN’ BROWSING HISTORY ON YOU COMPUTER.
PC users. Click on Tools….it should be in the upper right hand portion of your screen. Then click on Internet Options, and this should pop up.
See there where it says Delete Browsing History? Yeah, click on that and click on that often. It would be a shame for a shadow to be cast upon your wake because every body found out you were into Asian Tentacle Porn after your untimely demise.
MAC Users? Go to EDIT, Private Browsing, then click OK. You should also be good to go.
So there you go. I would finish the article with a “have a happy month of May” but something tells me that won’t be necessary.