[Jacked Up News] Rare Brew Of Captain Morgan Rum Found In Ship At Bottom of the Sea

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Amanda Edwards / Getty Images

Amanda Edwards / Getty Images

Pieces of a ship sailed by the late, great Captain Morgan have been discovered by a team of divers off the coast of Panama. Everybody is wondering what kind of booty will be found in the unopened cargo boxes and chests, but lucky for you, we already know. Or think we know.

Following, is some more super pertinent information about pirates and alcohol, and our educated guesses as to the contents of said booty.

Sir Henry Morgan was the man, mostly because he convinced his people (the Brits) that he should be a legal pirate, thus becoming Captain Morgan. While sailing the seas he undoubtedly drank loads of booze, because drinking and sailing was still legal, watched his crew swab the poop deck, and listened to Jack FM.

The Captain Morgan Rum Company, a company that makes rum or something, contributed some gold doubloons to help fund the dive, and are seriously keeping their fingers crossed that they find some rum in those chests and cargo boxes.

What do we think is contained in the remnants of the 17th Century ship?

  • Gold, because that’s just common sense
  • Some pretty sweet swords
  • Love letters from Captain Morgan to the Queen (how else do you think he got Captain status??)

And finally:

  • NO RUM, because then news outlets everywhere will be able to say, “Why’s the rum gone?”
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