Photo credit: Sasha Herf
FINALLY!!! A non-losing week last week. 2-2 yeah, but at least I wasn’t a loser….in my picks. My life? A totally different story. This week, I’m applying some science to this whole thing. Too bad I always sucked at science. And maths. And Engrish. And Social Studies…..
Washington Redskins vs San Francisco 49ers (-3½)
I said I was bringing some Bill Nye the Science Guy type knowledge this week and here it is. You know the 49ers are 6-0-1 against the spread this year? The Redskins? 3-4. 49ers are the favorite here, even as a West Coast team coming East. Mascot wise the 49ers are named thusly for the 1849 California gold rush. Redskins? Obvious. As it stands at press time, gold is at $1,757 an ounce and as Chris Rock said, “how many times you seen a Native American family chillin’ at Red Lobster?” Advantage 49ers.
Tennessee Titans (-3) vs Cincinnati Bengals
I quote Method Man from the movie Belly here when I say, “Knowledge bone, what’s the science baby?” Cincinnati Bengals, 6-1 vs the spread on the year. Tennessee? 3-4. There’s your science, now here’s your history. According the Greek mythology, the Titans ruled the earth way before man. Up until Cronus, with the help of his mother Gaia, overthrew the King Titan, Uranus, AND CUT OFF HIS JUNK AND THREW IT INTO THE OCEAN. True story. Uranus said that would be their downfall and it was. The blood from his junk fell upon the land and formed the Olympians who then overthrew the Titans for control of the world. And if you plan on battling a Bengal tiger, you better have your cojones as THIS will attest. Take the Bengals.
Oakland Raiders (-7½) vs Denver Broncos
A couple weeks ago I said that Jesus would be busy answering prayers of octogenarians in Florida and wouldn’t have time to answer Tim Tebow’s prayers in Miami. I was wrong. Raptor Jesus bestowed a miracle on Tebow against the Dolphins. Turn around last week and Tebow gets flat-out Munsoned against the Lions and the whole country starts making fun of him with the Tebowing craze. I dunno what to make of this game. The Raiders without Darren McFadden and with Carson Palmer starting his first game? Then there’s Tim Tebows’ on again off again affair with Raptor Jesus…Sigh. I say Raptor Jesus meets Tebow in the middle like he did with that wedding party in Galilee. He’ll turn the water into wine but draws the line at turning it into Hennessey. John 2: 1-11. Take the Broncos to cover, but not win.
San Diego Chargers vs Green Bay Packers (-5½)
Here’s a well-known rule in NFL gambling circuits….always take the home dog the week after a divisional loss. Chargers lost to their AFC West rival Kansas City Chiefs last week so take them right? Against the undefeated, defending Super Bowl Champion Packers though? YOU DAMN STRAIGHT. Take the Chargers to at least cover. I for one, will be taking them money line.