HORROR-SCOPES ARE BAAAAAACK!!!!
After a lengthy hiatus, Dr. Cranfill and his weekly HORRORSCOPES have returned. Now in the time of Scorpios’, what does the good doctor see for you and yours this week?
Scorpio- waiting in the car, waiting for the right time...This M83 track sounds like something left off of the Drive soundtrack. In Drive, Ryan Goslings’ this angry guy in a white satin jacket with a scorpion sewn in the back. The jacket has nothing to do with this horrorscope but it was just too badass/ridiculous not to mention. Anyway, in this one scene, Gosling goes up in a strip club with a hammer to beat some information outta some poor schmuck. Worked too. But he wouldn’t have gotten that information while waiting in the car for the “right time”. Take a hammer to the skull of your current “issue” instead of waiting for some mythical “right time.” NOW is always the right time. Power song- M83- Midnight City
Taurus- bright lights…….going to my head….I had a friend in college who was, how should I say…..easily distracted. We even called him “Oooh something shiny!!” Matt Rowe. Just like a cat chasing a disco ball light reflection into the wall. Once, when we were coworkers, he was holding open this super-heavy lid on a machine that I was working under when all of a sudden, BOOM, this heavy ass lid crashes down on my head right in the middle of the job. I look up, and swear to god, “Oooh something shiny” Matt Rowe is on the other side of the bar talking to a girl. Saw something shiny and totally forgot what he was there for. He’s on Ritalin now, recreationally. You Taurii don’t need meds though. Just the reminder that chasing shiny things can sometimes crash you into a wall. Power song? Gary Clark Jr.- Bright Lights
Cancer– you make me feel like I am free again.…Aw hell. What the hell happened Cancers? I leave horrorscopes for a couple months, come back, and you’re half in love. But then again, when AREN’T you half in love with somebody? But no, no, this time may be different. If I was actually capable of doing the math on this one, I think it would be telling me the probability for this current thing working out for you is better than 45%…..What? Don’t look at me like that, you know 45% is WAY above your running average. Power song? The Cure- Lovesong
Leo- this town…is coming like a ghost town….My favorite ghost town is still Pripyat. You know? Chernobyl. Jesus, does anybody read anymore? Here, look. Now, with radiation levels still high enough to melt your cerebral cortex if you stayed there long enough, no one wants to revisit Pripyat for an extended stay. We all have Pripyats’ in our past. But it’s way healthier to revisit them for short periods of time as a tourist instead of just pretending they never happened at all. Revisit your ghost town just remember there’s no such things as ghosts. The people at Ghost Hunters know what I’m talking about. Power song? the Specials- Ghost Town
Pisces– what’s with these homies dissing my girl?….That’s a fair question Rivers. Why ARE these homies dissing your girl, and by proxy, you? And are you sure its not just a perceived slight? It happens. Messages get mixed and remixed and transubstantiated. Before you go all Call of Duty on somebody, make sure there isn’t a smoke grenade clouding your vision. It’d be a shame to waste a good Pisces wrath on an innocent right? Power song? Weezer- Buddy Holly
Sagittarius– running, against the wind…..You know, some people, AHEM SLUGGO, give me shat because I like some Bob Seger. Errrytime that clownass starts in with his bellyachin’ in the office when I’m playing Seegs, I just go to this song and turn it up obnoxiously loud. He gets the point and retreats to another room. Sagitts, you’ve got a history of running against the wind and turning up the Seger so where’s all this self doubt coming from? You run against the wind. That’s what you do and you do it well. Carry on My Little Pony. Power song? Bob Seger- Against the Wind
Aquarius– that’s the biggest black ass I’ve ever seen and I like it, A LOT….You read that right. Biggest. Black ass. A LOT. Say what you will about the semi-pornographic totally NSFW/C video for this song, but you cannot question what lead singer Eric Nally likes and is all about. Black asses. It’s refreshing. Somebody being honest and up front about who they are and what they like. Too many people say nobody “gets” them. If everyone laid themselves all out there like Foxy Shazam does in this song, we’d all “GET” each other. Lead that charge Aquarii. Be yourself on 10, 100% of the time. The rest of us will follow. Power song? Foxy Shazam- I Like It
Gemini- I’ll wait….You know how you all hate Scorpio’s right? So, they’re about to do something rash and impetuous, mainly because I told them to in their horrorscope, but that’s beside the point. Point is, you’ve been waiting for a chance to strike a blow at a certain Scorpio and when they make this rash and impetuous folly, hit em where it hurts. This is called picking your spot. And if you are taken aback by the fact I play some signs against other, don’t be. You are all my pawns and I’m just playing a game. MUHA-HA-HA-HA!! Yeah. I went there. Don’t act like you’re not ready for Austin Powers 4. Power song? Van Halen- I’ll Wait
Virgo- for those about to rock, we salute you.…Bet you thought this horrorscope was about you…It’s not. It’s about those around you. Unless you live in a retirement home OR New Jersey you’re probably surrounded by inspiring people. People with projects, and dreams, and plans, and silly little things they just so happen to adore. Those things are the sparks of life to us all so do us a favor Virgo, be our cheerleader right now. You’re naturally good at it anyway. Be a shame to waste that gift. Power song? ACDC- For Those About to Rock
Aries- all they are is dust in the wind.…Never let it be said that I allowed a chance for a Frank the Tank reference to pass me by. Here’s an anger management tip Aries, and it’s gonna take some practice. The next time dumb people around you start to make you angry, instead of fantasizing about smashing a sand wedge into their mastoid process, fantasize about condescendingly patting them on the head like a little child who has said something ridiculously inane like children are wont to do. Then your anger turns into pity and pity quite quickly becomes dust in the wind very easily. Power song? Kansas- Dust in the Wind
Libra– disarm you with a smile…..That’s what the Quakers have to do. You know since they’re silly pacifists and don’t USUALLY carry guns or know krav maga. But there is something to be said for the subtly of their effectiveness. Look at me. I’m a Quaker and sure, I could bash your C-1 and C-2 into pieces to disarm you but it’s way cleaner and almost as satisfying as handling you with charm. I’m not saying you Libras don’t have charm, I’m just saying it could use a walk in the park. Let the pigeons loose. Power song? Smashing Pumpkins- Disarm
Capricorn- we are screaming for vengeance.…..Obligatory Pulp Fiction reference. Too bad you ain’t Jules Winnfield. Then you could just lay thine vengeance upon thee and be done with it. But your wallet doesn’t say Bad Mutha F*$%#er on it now does it? You may not be a cold blooded murderer with a killer Jheri curl, but you still demand satisfaction. And you’ll get it. If you’re smart. 23 million Russians died in WW2, and they were on the WINNING side. Know what that tells me? They weren’t bullshitting when they said there’s strength in numbers. Enlist help if you want that sweet, sweet vengeance you so crave. Power song? Judas Priest- Screaming For Vengeance