Dr. Cranfill Presents: HORROR-SCOPES!!!!!!
Photo Credit- the Higgy
Don’t be a dufus. Get your HORROR-SCOPE for the week now, freshly squozen from Dr. Cranfill’s cold, dead heart….
Scorpio- my mama taught me better than that….Full disclosure. When I was about 15 or 16 years old, I told my mother to shuttup once at the dinner table. I caught a straight jab to the tooth for my troubles. She called it a teaching moment. I called child services. But she was right. You never disrespect anyone in their own home. Scorpios, tread lightly while in the house of another this week. While my mama may throw Klitschko jabs, some people throw Riddick Bowe uppercuts when disrespected. I’d hate to see that pouty little lip of yours get busted. Power song? Black Rebel Motorcycle Club- Mama Taught Me Better
Cancer- you better hold on to yourself….You Cancers are about to go on a Magic Carpet Ride of sorts but since that song sucks giraffe ass, you get Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds- Hold On Your Self. Which is pertinent because I need to speak to you less about the magic ride itself and more about the spell it could cast over you. Because of some planetary alignment sh!t that I can’t even begin to explain to a laymen like you, you Cancers will be very vulnerable to losing yourself while chasing something this week. Which is no bueno since we know how you get. Tie a tether if you have to, just don’t go full-on cancer obsession with this thing, whatever it is. Power song? Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds- Hold Onto Yourself
Sagittarius– you’re bound to lose control.……..MOTHER OF GOD. Look at the suits the Spinners are wearing in this video. Class….personified. Dressing like that lets everyone around you know that YOU are in control. Ric Flair type swagger. I’m not saying just tack on a few more pieces of flair here Stan, I’m saying really put yourself together in the appearance and dress categories this week. I’m not saying you ugly, far from it, I am merely suggesting dressing the part this week might gain you the upper hand where you need it. Power song? the Spinners- Rubberband Man
Pisces– stand baaaaack, stand baaaaaaaaaack….Ever since I first started at JACK FM, I wanted us to run goat sound effects right before we played any Stevie Nicks songs. My old boss who was a bit of a pussy-willow always said no. After he left for Toronto, I went ahead and just did it. Without asking for permission or whatever. I basically said to no one in particular, “STAND BACK, I’M DOING THIS DAMMIT.” You Pisces are going to have a moment this week where you just need to proclaim, “STAND BACK DAMMIT, I GOT THIS.” Power song? Stevie Nicks- Stand Back
Aries- NO SLEEP TIL…………..BROOKLYN!!!!!!!!!!………Easy there Aries, me giving you No Sleep Til Brooklyn as a power song this week is not a green light for you to go on a crystal meth binge. We’ve all seen faces of meth. Sans crystal it is your charge this week to stay on point and focused on that one issue thru its completion. NO SLEEP TIL BROOKLYN! THEN you can have b-boy fun with Mike D and company. FOCUS. Power song? Beastie Boys- No Sleep Til Brooklyn
Taurus– its a mistake, its a mistake…These are the words I want to scream at whoever is responsible for putting Community on hiatus. Seriously NBC? You had no plan for life after Seinfeld, you lost about $250 mil or so over paying for the Olympics, you cancel Kings and NOW you’re gonna put your best show on the shelf? Over Whitney? You disgust me to the point that if I ever see a real live peacock in the wild, I’ma choke it to death on general principle. Sorry for the rant Taurii, just know, whatever decisions you need to make this week, let somebody who knows what they’re doing guide you. Otherwise, your results could end up looking like NBC’s Monday night ratings. Power song? Men at Work- It’s a Mistake
Capricorn– baby you’re a lost cause….It took me almost up until 8 months ago to accept the fact that the pursuit of a life married to Brittany Daniels was probably a lost cause. REALLY wish somebody would’ve thrown in the towel for me before it got to the restraining order phase. May just be time for you to throw in the towel on that one thing Capricorns. No reason to take unnecessary punishment. Just ask Antonio Margaritos’ face. Power song? Beck- Lost Cause
Aquarius- you dropped a bomb on me…..While the Gap Band were apparently excited about having a bomb dropped on them, I can assure you the Japanese people of 1945 didn’t share that sentiment. I often wonder if residual effects from the Little Boy and the Fat Man are partly responsible for how WEIRD Japanese culture is today. Don’t give me that face. Like tentacle porn and Kancho are perfectly normal? They didn’t know the bombs were coming and couldn’t avoid the fallout but you Aquarii can because I’m warning you now. Get to the bunker this week, you’ve got incoming. Power song? the Gap Band- You Dropped a Bomb on Me
Libra- pick up the pieces…pick up the pieces (repeat)….I feel like a complete moron after Googling the lyrics to this song. Is this how Elisabeth Hasselbeck feels all the time? Ugh. I can’t avoid being a moron-athon but you Libras can this week. As long as you follow TuPac’s advice…”You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation….. or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the f&$% on.” You really need to move on from that one thing lest you come off looking like a Hasselbeck. Power song? Average White Band- Pick Up the Pieces
Virgo- help us lose our mind, these slippery people…….Too bad the slippery people I am talking about here aren’t two oiled up adults engaging in a consensual act. That’d be cool. Alas, the slippery folk I speak of are the snake-in-the-grass sort. They’re going to be around you a lot this week and it would behoove you to have an anti-venom ready. Enlist the help of a honey badger if you must. Just be very wary of slippery people this week Virgos. Power song? Talking Heads- Slippery People
Leo- and I’m a fool, such a fool for you…..Ok Leo’s. So I hope you understand this basic tenet of life. There’s a difference between playing the fool and just being downright foolish. If playing the fool gets you what you want, can’t call it foolish. But if the juice isn’t worth the squeeze so to speak, then the entire enterprise may be only working towards making you look foolish. Identify who you play the fool for and truly ask yourself, “IS the juice worth the squeeze?” Power song? Cee Lo Green- Fool for You
(May 22-June 21)
Gemini– I’m going to DIZZ NEE LAND!!!!..…….You know what makes Disneyland special for most Americans? Two things. A) it’s all the way over here in Southern California which means a trip for most people and B) it’s so damn expensive regular folk can’t afford to go all that often. It remains special because for the majority, it’s an infrequent indulgence. Gemini, be thinking about your indulgences this week but be wary of burning yourself out on them due to overindulgence. For the record, the only thing Disneyland ever did for me was cement the fact that I never want kids. Nothing but glorified sex trophies if you ask me. Power song? DaDa- Dizz Nee Land