Photo credit- Jerky Altman
You remember when I was actually good at this? Yea…….me neither. Truth be told, I’ve dug myself into a nice-sized hole here. Pretty soon I’m gonna be putting lotion on its skin and praying that Jodie Foster comes to rescue me before Bill makes me into a hat. Hopefully my survival instincts will kick in here soon and I can snatch his poodle and escape this hole with a 4-0 week……
Odds source: Danny Sheridan at USA Today
HOME TEAM ON THE LEFT
New Orleans Saints (-9) vs Detroit Lions (Sunday-NBC-5:20pm)
An astrophysics professor might say the Saints are currently red shifting while the Lions are probably blue shifting. If you know what that means scientifically without having to look it up A) why do you know that? and B) how frustrating was it not getting laid in college? This is a home game for the favored Saints and if I learned anything from listening to No Limit and Cash Money rap music in the late 90’s, it’s that the best way to tame a “kitten” in N’Awlins, is to floss on ’em. The gold helmets and Super Bowl rings on the Saints is floss enough for me. Take the Saints to cover a Lions team in turmoil.
Arizona Cardinals vs Dallas Cowboys (-4½) (Sunday-FOX-1:15p)
Yes, the Cowboys have won 4 in a row but don’t get too excited there Ferguson. You know they’ve done this before. Juuuuuuust when you start to believe it’s going to happen, BOOM! They pull a Lucy from Peanuts bitch-move and yank the ball away just when you thought you were actually going to kick it. And there you are. Flat on your back…..like an idiot. But MY kind of idiot. Let’s get crazy. Take the Cowboys to cover AND I’ll take the over on the 45½ .
Jacksonville Jaguars vs San Diego Chargers (-3) (Monday-ESPN-5:30p)
Well. Here’s your Monday Night Football game. An awful team and an awful-ner one. Sorry Bolts fans but I can’t help but think that karma might have finally caught up with the Chargers. I assume, because I can’t be bothered with looking it up to know for sure, that that Thomas Edison asshole was somehow involved with founding the San Diego Chargers, thus their name. And his unprecedented assholery involving Nikola Tesla has finally come back to smite him and his precious direct current. Take the Jags to cover, for Tesla!!
Miami Dolphins (-3) vs Oakland Raiders
There are two teams this year that have just KILLED me on picks. The Jesus 2.0 led Denver Broncos and these same Miami Dolphins. I’ve actually READ the book of Revelations so I want no part of being on the wrong side of Jesus and his people. Me and every other non-christian that lived in the 11th-13th centuries. So I’ll leave the Broncos be. But the Dolphins? Hell. I ain’t scared of no Sea World side-show. Take the Raiders money line here. The Raiders have been a pretty good road team this year and Carson gets better every week under center. Are we ACTUALLY gonna see the Raiders in the playoffs this year? I say yes.