Photo credit- Me. I made that. All rights reserved suckas
Screw IMDB’s list. Screw Rotten Tomatoes list. And screw your list for that matter. Here are the 12 movies I MOST want to see coming up in 2012.
12) Piranha 3DD- (starring Ving Rhames, Christopher Lloyd, David Hasselhoff and a whole mess of boobies)
After watching this trailer, if you are a man that DOESN’T want to see Piranha 3DD…..I might have to seriously question your XY chromo status. Murderous man eating fish, non-stop porn star boobies and oh yeah, Ving Rhames has a shot gun for a leg. Don’t worry though ladies. Piranha 3DD has something for you too. David Hasselhoff has his shirt off for most of this movie. So there you go. Something for everyone. (TBA)
11) Snow White and the Huntsmen- (starring Charlize Theron, Kristen Damn Stewart, and Chris Hemsworth)
Yea, yea, yea the Twi-tard girl is Snow White but it doesn’t even matter. Watch this trailer and tell me you aren’t ALLLLLLLLLL about seeing Charlize Theron play the Evil Queen. Oh yeah…Ian McShane’s in this movie too. Pinkerton coc……(June 1st)
10) Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2 -(starring?)
You have got to be kidding me Cranfill. Slow your damn roll. The only reason this piece of tightly coiled isht is on the list is because this HAS to be the last one right? It’s over after this one right? Please say yes Jesus. And I guess there isn’t an official trailer out yet for part 2, I dunno…I can’t be bothered to look. (November 16th)
9) World War Z– (starring Brad Pitt, and the heavy breathing guy from Lost, Matthew Fox)
If you never read World War Z. Do yourself a favor. There’s this place called the library. Look it up on Google Maps. Go there, check out World War Z, read it. Get excited.
“A UN representative, writing a report on the great zombie war, interviews survivors in the wake of World War Z. ” (December 21st)
8) the Hobbit -(starring Martin Freeman, Ian McKellen, Cate Blanchett, and Freckles from Lost)
In all honesty? I am a total fraud for having the Hobbit on this list. I couldn’t care less about Bilbo Douchebaggins or whatever long walk he’ll be going on in this movie. BUT, a lot of you lurrrrrrve the LOTR so for once, I’ll be nice and put it in here so you can mark out to it. Enjoy. (December 14th)
7) Men in Black III (starring Will Smith, Tommy Lee Jones, Josh Brolin, Sid Veda)
Wonder if Tommy Lee Jones will zap Josh Brolin’s memory to make him forget about all that heroin and money he found in the desert so he doesn’t end up getting killed by those Mexicans at the Desert Sands Motel? Wait. Josh Brolin IS Tommy Lee Jones? Whatever. The only real reason to see this movie is Sid Veda. (May 25th)
6) the Avengers- (starring Robert Downey Jr., Scarlett Johansson, Chris Evans, Jeremy Renner, did I mention Scarlett Johansson?)
Here’s your mega-huge budget, super-hero orgy, studio tent pole movie. Ironman, the Hulk, Thor, Captain America, Hawkeye, and Black Widow join forces as the S.H.I.E.L.D. Agency and some stuff happens. Some things blow up. People get punched in the face. Scarlett Johansson is wearing full body spandex. Here. Take my $15 now. (May 4th)
5) Prometheus– (starring Charlize Theron, Michael Fassbender, Idris Alba (STRINGER BELL!!!)
If there ever was a movie to break out grandma’s “special brownie recipe” for, it would be Ridley Scott’s Prometheus. Really what else do I need to say other than Ridley Scott? Alien? Blade Runner? Gladiator? Hannibal? American Gangster? Thelma and Louise? There’s no reason not to think this won’t be flat out epic. I just wonder if Fassbender will go out speaking the Queens?
4) Skyfall 007– (starring Daniel Craig, Javier Bardem, Ralph Fiennes)
Boom. Boom. Boom. Look at that starring trio. Badasses. A little eye candy for the ladies and West Hollywood too. Something tells me that the 23rd Bond movie, just might be one of the best ones yet. Sorry, no trailer released to date. (November 9th)
3) the Hunger Games– (starring Jennifer Lawrence, Josh Hutcherson, Woody Harrelson, Donald Sutherland)
It may come as a shock to most of you but I read. A lot. And I’ve read the Hunger Games trilogy and I gotta tell you, I have epically high hopes for this movie and series. Besides……Hollywood? You owe us BIG TIME for the tragic abortion that was the Golden Compass. (March 23rd)
2) Django Unchained– (starring Leonardo DiCaprio, Joseph Gordon Leavitt, Samuel L. Jackson)
Django Unchained is Quentin Tarantino’s next movie, due out Christmas of 2012. Look at the cast, read the log line IMDB has up for Django…
“With the help of his mentor, a slave-turned-bounty hunter sets out to rescue his wife from a brutal Mississippi plantation owner.”
Oh. Hells. Yes. (December 25th)
really, what else could it possible be?
1) Batman: Dark Knight Rises (starring Christian Bale, Tom Hardy, Anne Hathaway)