Dr. Cranfill Has Your HORROR-SCOPES For 2012!!!
Well. Here we are. 2012. Dr. Cranfill has your first horrorscopes of the year and it would behoove you to prepare yourself by reading them. Or don’t and reap the consequences of angering the Oracle at Cranfi….
Capricorn- its so easy to fall in love…Yeah, but it’s much harder to get divorced. ESPECIALLY when your wife sleeps with the limo driver but since this is California she still gets half of the Dodgers because one of your overpaid idiot lawyers botched a phrasing in your prenup. That would never happen to a Capricorn though, you lot are way too savvy. But be thinking about this, at some point, you’re gonna have to bend your rules to accommodate a real love. Figure out where you can bend so when the time is right, you will. And as far as the second sentence of this horrorscope goes, THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED. Power song? Linda Ronstadt- It’s So Easy
(June 22nd-July 22nd)
Cancer- roam if you want to, roaaaaam…..Gathering a bit of moss there aren’t ya’ rolling stone? You Cancers tend to be wanderers yet here recently I haven’t seen that patented crab walk of yours. You happen to notice an uptick in your angstyness here recently? Yep. They’re related. I’m not saying you have to go full on Kane from Kung-Fu but you do need to do some roaming. In some shape, form or fashion. You Crabs have to keep it moving lest you end up boiled alive and served with Cheddar Bay Biscuit. Power song? B-52’s- Roam
Leo- if you love me like you say you do, why you treat me like you do….Words are wind as they say in Game of Thrones. Season 2 premiere April 15th on HBO. GET EXCITED!!! Someones gonna pull the ol’ bait and switch on you this week Leo. Say one thing, do another. That old gag. You can’t avoid it. You can’t stop it. You can’t change it. But what you can do is learn to channel the frustration you feel when it happens to you. Gary Clark Jr. pours his into that blues guitar. What outlet can you plug your worldly frustrations into? Masturbation doesn’t count. Power song? Gary Clark Jr.- If You Love Me Like You Say
Aries- ya best protect ya neck……Wait a minute. JACK FM doesn’t play Wu-Tang Clan. So how’s “Protect Ya Neck” this weeks power song for Aries? Well Lil’ Jimmy it’s because I FREAKING SAID SO. There’s only so much Foreigner, Journey, and Steve Miller Band I can stomach. And besides being an Aries, or Ares, means you’re the God of War so you should be used to battles. Wherever they may take place. Like in the 36 Chambers of the Wu Tang. Take the Wu’s advice this week Aries, protect ya neck because somebody with a sword and some bad intentions is eyeing you for sliceage. Power song? Wu Tang Clan- Protect Ya Neck
Taurus- oh, oh, oh jamie’s crying…..Oh put the tire iron down, I’m not calling you Taurii cry babies. That’s Virgo’s lot. But you’ins do TEND to let your emotions get away from you from time to time. And yes. I just used the word you’ins. Find somebody in the room from Pennsylvania to translate. Unchecked emotion can careen out of control and could end up with you forcing your 15 year old son to play bass in your band while you don’t even have a real lead singer while all anybody wants is for Diamond Dave to come back and…what’s that? Van Halen with Roth is going on tour in 2012? Sweet jesus. See what keeping your emotions in check can accomplish? Yeah it won’t last but it’ll be nice for a while. Power song? Van Halen- Jamies Cryin
Pisces- everybody knows that a broken heart is blind….Just like everybody knows that David Spades career is officially over. Except for David Spade. Somebody should tell him. You needed Farley and you spent your wad with Joe Dirt. Sidebar- none of us ever believed the lie that was the string of hot women you’ve “dated” over the years. Then again, now I see his Malibu home is up for sale for 13.5 million so maybe I should just suck on that and stop being such a hater. We all have blind spots and mine is a blind spot of rage for David Spade. If you encounter misdirected emotional outbursts from others this week it’s probably a blind spot they have. You need to be their side view mirror. Show them what’s in their blind spot. Power song? Black Keys- Little Black Submarines
Sagittarius- all the other kids with their pumped up kicks….Such a nice melodic song about shooting your class mates for their tennis shoes. Ahhh highschool. Those were the days. Truth is, I couldn’t cyacht damn stand this song seeing as JACK FM is in the same building as KROQ so I heard this song at least 3 times a day. It almost made me wanna go on a shooting rampage and everybody could’ve kept their shoes. I had an assault rifle on back order until somebody told me to change the lyrics to “all the other kids shut the f&$# up now…shut the %&# up now…” Now its delightful again. Employ this same sort of editing to whatever is driving you knuts, see if that doesn’t exacerbate the rage. Power song? Foster the People- Pumped Up Kicks
Libra - closing walls and ticking clocks….After looking at the lyrics of Clocks, I have no idea what in the actual cluck Chris Martin is talking about. Seriously. It’s all non-sense. And Coldplay is the biggest “rock” band on the planet these days? Oy vey. Anyway, closing walls and ticking clocks. Sound familiar Libra’s? Don’t let deadline pressures and ticking clocks drive you crazy. Just take a breath. Slow it down. Obsessing about this deadline is only going to manic you out. Which is why you get Fever Rays’-Concrete Walls instead of Clocks from Coldplay as your power song. Listen and you’ll understand. Power song? Fever Ray- Concrete Walls
Virgo- telling myself its not as hard, as hard, as hard as it seems…We as modern humans tend to build up seemingly insignificant things so that when we overcome or handle them, we feel like we actually accomplished something. Avoid that particular trope this week Virgo’s. Sure we all like to feel that sense of accomplishment but when a true tough task comes along, you’ll have cultivated a culture of lackadaisicalness which will in turn decrease your probability of pulling off something monumental. Call things for what they are Virgo’s, nothing more, nothing less. Power song? Led Zeppelin- Going to California
Aquarius- something happens and i’m head over heels….It’s no secret you Aquaruii have a tendency to get a bit squirrelly in pressure situations. It’s a small character flaw. We all have em. Take Libra’s for example. They’re all complete douchebagguettes. Your flaw is a bit easier to remedy. Your squirrellyness comes from total indecision of action in said pressure situations. Next time you find yourself in one of these, whatever the very first impulse that comes into your head is, DO IT. Immediately. You’ll probably going to do a number of instantly regrettable things in the beginning but you gotta start getting some practice in. Power song? Tears for Fears- Head Over Heels
(May 22nd-June 21st)
Gemini- all that she wants is another baby, a yeah…Yep. This is happening. You’re getting an Ace of Base track as your power song. YOU’RE WELCOME are the words you are looking for. Don’t take Malin Berggren’s sultry vocals literally of course. I’m not saying go out and get a sex trophy of your own. Lord knows we have enough of those on the planet as it is. I’m saying you need a new “figurative” baby to give your attention to. A new project, enterprise, task, or victim to pour yourself into. Find yourself a baby and “breast feed” the f*&# out of it Gemini’s. Power song? Ace of Base- All That She Wants
Scorpio- if you steal my sunshine.…I gotta tell you. JACK FM plays a lot of crap songs but nothing, NOTHING, comes close to touching the raw tonnage of ripe mulch that this song is. If you brought back a Brontosaurus to the present day, al a Jurassic Park, he would take one look at this song and say, “Wow. That is a gigantic piece of shit.” We stopped playing it a while back after I stopped our big boss in the hall and said “for the love of My Little Pony, no more LEN.” Looks like Im’a have to go have another talk with him cause we’re playing it again. Stupid LEN’s not gonna steal my sunshine, and nobody should be stealing yours Scorpio. Power song? LEN- Steal My Sunshine