Official Groundhog Day History According To JACK FM

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Archie Carpenter/Getty Images

Archie Carpenter/Getty Images

The almighty groundhog is convinced he’s the one with power on this fine day… Well think again rodent! It’s called global warming! Your power no longer exists.

Here at Jack we can provide you with the ruthless facts of why an underground raver- rodent was awarded with his own day.

737710 Official Groundhog Day History According To JACK FM

Tim Boyle/Newsmakers

As it is known, the groundhog emerges on February 2nd to “determine” if there will be an early spring, or six more weeks of winter.

Some believe this creature is a descendant of the wild hog, which could explain his genetic mental issues and other wilderness attributes. Nope. They’re wrong. The fact of the matter is that the groundhog has been partying way too much in his underground lair.

Last night he called up all the homies and partied like it was 1999. When he finally decided to come out from his man cave, he was hung over and the sunlight scorched him.

Then he started having flashbacks from acid trips and hallucinated that he saw his own shadow. Pffft THIS guy

He then told the underground homies that he could not stand the light. They threatened mother nature by chucking wood at her, trying to bide time in order to recuperate from their rave hangover. 

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck wanted mother nature’s attention? Apparently enough for six more weeks of dubstepping and hollering at that honey!

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