Well, the Oscars happened. Not much excitement or surprises (So, Academy, what, was that a ‘Sophie’s Choice’ choosing Meryl Streep over Viola Davis?). The real surprise was that they only ran over by 10 minutes. THAT deserves an Oscar.
The repetitiveness of it all prompted us to create our OWN fancy awards. Without further ado, here are the winners for the 1st Annual JACKademy Awards.
He may not have won any of the 16 Oscars he was nominated for BUT he gets to go home with Stacy Kiebler. That’s all that really needs to be said.
Most Adorable Couple
Michelle Williams & Busy Philipps
Guys, Michelle Williams (nominated for ‘My Week with Marilyn’) brought, as her guest, her best friend Busy Philipps (Cougar Town, Freak and Geeks). What? Are you serious? C’mon! Okay, you found it. You found our weak spot: famous best friends who really are best friends. That barely beats out ‘Too Cute!’ on the Animal Planet. You tell a single soul, you’re dead.
Worst Red Carpet Commentary
Robin Roberts, Tim Gunn, That Woman Who Was With Tim Gunn, That British Woman Who Sorta Looked Like Kiera Knightley
ABC, you’re killing us here. They have ear pieces, please let them know when they are on air so they don’t stand there awkwardly then attempt to cover it up with an awful transition.
I’m Speaking in a Serious Tone
Who speaks. In. A deep. Commanding voice. In. Fragmented sentences. Damn. We really would have loved to hear her speech had she won. Nice job, Meryl.
“Hippy Guy”, AKA Robert Richardson
He won for Cinematography for ‘Hugo’, and damn would we kill for a nice head of hair like that. We bet he uses Garnier Fructis.
JLo & Cameron Diaz’s “backside to the audience” before presenting the award for Makeup
Way to take a step forward for women’s lib, ladies. THANKS.
Best Chinese Accent
She spoke fluent Chinese with only the slightest hint of a German accent.
First Focus Group
A-maze-ing. Can The Christopher Guest Players all host next time? Also, we would like to see ‘The Wizard of Oz’ after their input. Get on it people.
Kirk Baxter & Angus Wall
They won for Film Editing for ‘The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo’, awkwardly stood there, said about 5 coherent words, then left the stage. Talk about knowing how to edit a scene. Nailed it!
Best Mind Reading -Tie
Billy Crystal of Morgan Freeman
While almost anyone can do a pretty decent Morgan Freeman impression, Billy’s accuracy of his ‘March of the Penguin’ and ‘Shawshank Redemption’ monologues were both pretty stately and authoritative. But in a gentle, non-threatening way.
Billy Crystal of Nick Nolte
Nolte never sounded so good.
Best Pronunciation of One’s Own Name
Yeah, now you know how we all feel.
Best Angelina Jolie Joke
Angie wore that weird dress just so she could stand with her leg out, but we gotta admit, Jim Rash (who won for Adapted Screenplay for ‘The Descendants’ with Nat Faxon and Alexander Payne) pulled it off much better. And sexier. He may not have gotten to use his words, but he spoke volumes.
Best ‘Spontaneous’ Bit
The ‘Bridesmaids’ ladies started it at the SAG Awards and carried it over to the big stage. Perhaps the best drinking game ever: Every time ‘Scorsese’ is said on stage you have to drink. We don’t know about you, but we got pretty shit-faced during the ceremony.
Peter Lorre Lookalike
Producer of ‘The Artist’ who won for Best Picture. We’ve never been so creeped out.
Worst Impression of Eddie Murphy