National Pancake Day is upon us.
Here at Jack FM, we have found a few ways to celebrate these doughy disks that goes beyond eating them.
1. Sound Suppressors For Your Shoes
You got caught up in that Happy Days marathon and now it’s 2 a.m. Your wife is sleeping in the bedroom and hates when you wake her up. She’s already threatened to cancel the cable, but you still have to see if the Fonzie makes the jump over that shark!
Dip the soles of your shoes in some of that magical mud known as pancake batter. Then place your shoes in a pan for about a minute, until the batter has expanded into a golden cushion for your feet. Finally, you can slip into bed without waking her! For an added bonus, keep the shoes close to the bed to surprise her with a little breakfast in bed the next morning.
2. Take Over Your Neighbor’s Apartment
You’ve long coveted your neighbor’s apartment, and why wouldn’t you; his place isn’t being haunted by the headless ghost of its former tenant!
Next time he plans to leave for the weekend, offer to look after his place, free of charge. Once you have access, plant pancakes in the walls and vents, then all you have to do is wait. Before you know it, his apartment will be flooded with more rodents than a Tijuana petting zoo. After he is allowed out of his lease for fumigation, you will be right there to swoop in and claim the apartment, then finally…no more sleeping with wreaths of garlic and silver around your bed to ward off the evil spirit!
3. Pancake Tuxedo
Your wife has been begging you to take her on one of those swinger’s boat cruises (whatever that is). You want to appease her, but you’re afraid of being on a boat in the middle of the ocean. If every single movie that you’ve ever seen involving a boat has taught you anything, it’s this – that boat’s gonna sink!
Construct a tuxedo made entirely out of pancakes. First and foremost, you will be looking good; like a deep-fried James Bond. Secondly, when pancakes are submerged in water, they expand into a buoyant mass of doughy goodness! When the cruise ship inevitably sinks, and you’re thrown into the water, relax and lay back as your stylish duds expand into a floating sludge that would put BP to shame, leaving you floating on top of it.
4. Increased Intimidation Factor
Your boss has just finished his surprise inspection of the search histories on all the computers in the office. Now he wants to see you in his office ASAP!
Fasten a few of those fluffy flapjacks to the sole of your shoes and march into the boss’ office like Shaquille O’Neil enters a child’s playhouse. As you duck to enter his office, your boss will be fear-stricken, then decide it best not to tear you a new one over all those German websites that were visited from your computer.
5. Become a Movie Star
Women aren’t as impressed as you are with yourself about that one time you were in the background of a local newscast four years ago. It’s time you landed some actual screen time and got noticed,
Construct five or six fat suits using layers upon layers of pancake padding. Just like Eddie Murphy or Robin Williams, you’re capturing the hearts of audiences everywhere! Once your third sequel is released, you will be painting the town red as Tyler Perry’s wingman at all of Hollywood’s hoppin’ hotspots!
As you can tell, pancakes are by far our favorite food.
You had your shot, hotdog….