How To Ditch The Kids And Finally Enjoy Spring Break
Are you ready for Spring Break?
Of course not, you’re an over-worked adult stuck in an office cubicle!
That is, until the kids will be home for an entire week.
They’ll be looking for something to keep them busy, but your hot rod and the kitchen knives are the only shiny things in the house!
Looks like you need to find a few activities to keep them busy and distract them from their teen angst for a solid week. Here are some sure-fire activities that will keep your little scamps occupied until you can send them back to school, and then they’re the State’s problem once again!
1. Leave Them a Mysterious Treasure Map to Your Vintage Hustler Collection
How it works: Hang a framed copy of the Declaration of Independence in your living room. Rig it with a motion sensor, so when one of your kids walks past, it “accidentally” falls to the ground and breaks. When they try to dispose of it before you come home from work, they will find an old-looking parchment within. This is the treasure map you have drawn up with a series of clues leading to your Hustler stash.
They will have a “Goonies moment” where they think they are embarking on an epic treasure hunt, but the One Eyed Willy at the end of this hunt will be much different from the loveable pirate Sean Astin found. This treasure hunt will only kill about 30 minutes of their time, but it’s after they find the “treasure” where their time really gets consumed.
Disclaimer: This tip assumes you have all boys! However, if you have any daughters, and you try this little charade, you won’t have to find activities for next Spring Break, as the trauma you’ll inflict almost guarantees she’ll be working the pole down at your local “Kitty Kat Club” within a month.
Also, if you only have boys, you may not see them for the rest of the week, so be sure to leave protein rich foods outside of their rooms for them to discover. And if you thought the birds and the bees talk was going to be rough, just wait until you have to explain ’70’s bush!
2. Challenge Them to an Amazing Race
How it works: The only thing stronger than the bond between siblings, is the hate between siblings. Light that fire with a friendly little competition by challenging those little tykes to construct an airship out of common household items, so that they can race each other to infinity and beyond.
In the real world, we know that kids are simple creatures, and that they will be lucky if they can even build a rectangle out of a couple of 2×4’s by week’s end, but the drive to beat their brother or sister and win favor in your eyes will keep them hammering away all week-long. And learning a little bit about working construction may prove beneficial, because with your athletic genes and your wife’s decision-making skills, let’s not hold our breaths for that Harvard acceptance letter to hit the mailbox any time soon.
Disclaimer: Giving your kids access to a bunch of power tools is like giving a pack of wild monkeys…well, access to power tools. Only allow them to use simple tools like hammers and crow bars and other tools that primates have already figured out.
3. Send Them to Bartending School
How it works: You’re working hard trying to look busy all day, and there’s no reason your kids shouldn’t be productive over this Spring Break as well. Send them to bartending school, where they will learn the art of a steady hand and a good pour. These skills may even save their lives when they turn your basement into a meth lab in a few years. And for a bonus, when you come home from work, your living room will be transformed into a night club so exclusive, the only patrons are you and the McDonald’s bag you finally grabbed out of your car’s back seat. Just because you’re Joe Dirt at work, doesn’t mean you can’t be Don Draper at home.
Disclaimer: People attending bar tending school must be 21 years of age or older, so when you head into the barrio to pick up those fake passports for your kids, always leave yourself an escape route from the dimly lit cantina where you will be meeting your contact who is selling you the false documents. And as always, never allow your car to get blocked in by a white delivery truck full of the Mexican mafia’s hired muscle!
4. Introduce Them to a Celebrity to Stalk
How it works: These days, there is no shortage of celebrities who are famous for their sex tapes. To keep your little rug rats occupied over Spring Break, design a computer virus loaded with pop ups to these various sites, and infect your children’s computer with it. If they are anything like we are, seeing one of these tapes will be followed by them sitting in a tree outside the starlet’s bedroom window for at least a week.
Disclaimer: Your child won’t be the first to attempt stalking these celebrities, so Ms. Hilton/ Kardashian/ Lohan will already be on high alert. In the weeks leading up to Spring Break, train your child in the arts of invisibility and ninjitsu, so that they learn to mind the shadows.
5. Give Them an Occupy Movement to Join
How it works: Young people these days are going to be angry no matter how many replacement mommies you bring home and introduce them to. But when they’re angry, why keep them cooped up in the same place where you keep your Star Trek action figure collection? Introduce them to any one of the Occupy movements going on, and save big on sending them to camp. They can sleep in tents, pee into empty water bottles and wash their clothes in public fountains, and you only have to drop them off at the nearest public park.
Disclaimer: You’re pretty much going to have to plan on your child being pepper sprayed, so if you’re insurance policy doesn’t cover this, now would be the time to update.
For your children, these are the years that memories are made, and due to your restraining order, you can’t take them to any water parks with five hundred miles. So why not do the next best thing and trick them into thinking they’re having a good time over Spring Break with one of the above mentioned activities? Get them out of the house and into the sun! And who knows, if you leave them out there long enough, they may even develop a personal reason to get involved in some cancer research.