Many manly men like you dream that they will be crowned the winner in Jack’s Muscle Madness. They’re filling their days with exercises, diets, and complimenting their muscles.
Still, despite spending each day shaving that hairy troll body of yours, there are still a few things that are 100% off-limits if you want to maintain the image of muscle-bound-manly-man…
1. Eating Lunch By a Playground
Any place children are playing, consider yourself not invited. There are few things in life creepier than a grown man eating a solo picnic in a park full of kids.
We don’t care how beautiful the weather is outside. If you can’t find one of your buddies or a female companion to accompany you on your little picnic, you park your happy keister on the side of the road and eat your macaroni salad in the car.
2. Going Stagg to a Katherine Heigl Movie
“I regret…” is said to be one of the saddest phrases in the English language, but in a close second is “One for 27 Dresses, please.”
Nothing will get your man card revoked quicker than going to a Katherine Heigl movie alone. And we don’t care if the next three showings of Act of Valor are sold out.
You go find a Sharper Image and sit in the vibrating chairs until the next available showing. And in the off-chance that you were at all curious about her movies’ plots: She meets a guy in a romantic way, there’s a lame misunderstanding an hour into it, they make up and live happily ever after.
3. Forming a Dance Circle With Your Friends
Head into your local night club any night of the week, and you are likely to see a dance circle formed by 4-8 women. Study it and memorize it, because it is an example of what grown men can never do.
The dance floor was created for men to sneak up on unsuspecting women and grind on them in a very sleazy way, with no legal repercussions. If you and your goofball friends form a circle that has no women in it, you have completely defeated the purpose of the dance floor.
4. Gathering Friends For a Late Night Ice Cream Run
According to Man Law, there are 3 late night runs you are allowed to gather your friends for: Helping a stranded friend whose car has broken down, a beer run, and the classic late night strip club run.
If you and your roommates all race down to the nearest Ralph’s at 11 pm with the sole purpose of grabbing some Ben and Jerry’s pints, you better hope that your Chase card still has some money on it, because your “man card” has long since been revoked.
5. Having a Good Cry During A Lifetime Movie
Women love to watch Lifetime movies, because every so often, they like to get a good cry going. It’s a release for them, and eases some of the tensions they’ve built up during a stressful day.
There is only one occasion for a man to cry, and we can’t even say it here for fear that the waterworks will start.
Instead, we’ll leave you with this: