You heard it, and you heard it here first (or second, or even 100th): cannibal shrimp are invading the U.S and it’s very serious business.

We keep trying to tell you guys to prepare for the zombie invasion that is eminent, but you don’t listen to us. Perhaps an invasion of FLESH eating, bottom feeders of the great ocean blue will change your mind?!?

CANNIBAL SHRIMP PEOPLE!!!

These suckers can grow to a whopping 13 inches, and have been seen scouring the ocean floor as close as Texas, for the delicious flesh they so eagerly crave.

Care to learn how to protect yourself? No problem.

1. Realize that we are not shrimp so they aren’t interested in eating us.

Damnit.

Who gave us this story to report on anyway? We thought this was going to be some serious SyFy craziness.

Guess we can stop nailing these wooden boards to the dumpy little building windows, eh?

Sigh.

- Sasha Huff, 93.1 JACK FM

[Source: International Business Times]