Dr. Cranfill Presents: Mayan Apocalypse HORROR-SCOPES!!!!

View Comments
JCH1

(Nov.23-Dec.22)
Sagittarius- she moves in mysterious ways.…I’m sure the “she” Bono is referring to isn’t nearly as captivating as Australian hurdler Michelle Jenneke. It’s more than likely an allegory for some Bono-y humanitarian thing. Ugh. Then again, what I couldn’t give a shit less about is enthralling and song worthy to Bono. At least we both show the proper respect to our quandaries. Bono appears in front of the UN to solve the problems of the world and I begrudgingly honor the completely unnecessary restraining order Jenneke’s people filed. (Don’t worry, I’ll get her.) You Sags are gonna be captivated by something with a mysterious way this week and you’d be better served observing safely from your car with binoculars instead of breaking your collarbone climbing over their hedge to get a closer look through his or her window. Power song? U2- Mysterious Ways


(Oct.24-Nov.22)
Scorpio- moms coming round to put it back the way it oughta be…With the Mayan apocalypse looming you can bet your marginally toned ass I’m crow-baring some Tool into this weeks horrorscopes. If you’re actually scared of 12/21/12 here, CLICK ON THIS, and maybe some of your stupid, stupid fears will be allayed. Now. Even if the world doesn’t end this month chaos, destruction, and anarchy are still always around us. Question is, what kind of person will you be when it ensues? Are you gonna drown or am I going to see you down in Arizona Bay? Dark and difficult times lie ahead Harry and the rest of us are gonna need you Scorps to be strong voices for good because when the mierde hits the fan, if you Scorps go dark side, we’re all completely effed. Learn to swim for the good guys. Power song? Tool- Aenema


(June 22-July 22)
Cancer- when tomorrow comes today.….Photons cannot travel faster than the speed of light thusly negating any plausible scientific chance of time travel following the heretofore agreed upon laws of natural physics. Go ahead…..I’ll give you a minute to re-read that for comprehension sake…..Got it? Well Cancers, your life is about to defy the theory of relativity because for you, tomorrow comes TODAY. That thing you’ve been thinking as “coming in the future” is actually here now. Snuck up on you didn’t it? That will happen. (That will happen.) You may have gotten distracted by someone doing the repeater but you’ll handle this piece of unexpected calendrical business with your usual manic aplomb. But honestly, start writing things in INK on your mental calendar instead of crayon. God love you Cancers but you can be some true spazzes. And no, calendrical isn’t a word but it totally should be right? Power song? Gorillaz- Tomorrow Comes Today


(July23-Aug.21)
Leo- every body party like its 1999……If the Mayans were right where Harold Camping was wrong and the world does end on December 21st shouldn’t we all be partying like it’s 1999 in the days leading up to it? What’ve we got to lose right? And you should be our entertainment for the end of days Leo’s. When this all blows over and nothing happens at some point we’ll grow tired of making fun of the people that hyped up this Mayan non-sense and we’ll need new targets to heckle. And the daringly inane stuff you do whilst drunk usually provides for good ridicule ammunition later on. Get to it. (NOTE TO PRINCE: Should we all survive this, take it as a sign that the internet is here to stay, allow your music on the internet and I won’t have to use this Limp Bizkit cover of 1999. This is your fault Nelson.) Power song? Prince- 1999


(Mar.21-Apr.20)
Aries- this is our lives on holiday…..Stupid Mayans ruining the holidays with their silly circle abacus calendar nonsense. Trying to steal Christmas from Jesus. I am honestly surprised I haven’t heard this on Fox News yet. Just wait. Somebody will say it. Mayans or not it is starting to feel like we humans might have outlived our usefulness here on planet Earth. If the holiday that is our lives is about to come to an end, so be it. You Aries can be the Grand Marshall’s in the Macy’s Mayan Apocalypse Day Parade. You’re children of war; you were born to lead the charge. We’re with your Aries. Captain my captain. Power song? Green Day- Holiday


(Apr.21-May21)
Taurus- never thought I’d let a rumor ruin my moonlight…Yea. That’s what they’re alllllll gonna be saying when we’re done with em. For reasons that escape this made-up science you Taurii are going to have the power to topple regimes with naught but a properly crafted whisper this week. Lies, truths, half-truths, knock-knock jokes, whatever it is you’re telling WILL be heard my many. So be thinking about what kind of impact you want it to have on whom. You’ll find no “you should use these powers for good BS” here. Nahhhhhh. LIGHT SOME PEOPLE UP THIS WEEK. Screw em. They tripped the alarm, they deserve what they get. (SIDEBAR) New Way to Respond to Knock Knock Jokes: When someone says “Knock, Knock” you look them right dead in the eye, put some bass in your voice and say, “COME IN.” Power song? the Killers- Somebody Told Me


(Aug.22-Sept.23)
Virgo- don’t speak, I know just what you’re saying….Long have I maintained that lost is the art of shutting the hell up. 91% of what most anyone says is hot garbage anyway. Besides, the rest of us always know JUST what you Virgo’s are thinking because you have the worst body language poker face of any of the signs. It’s what makes you really bad liars. Which I guess could be a good thing. It might even become a strength if you nurture it this week. Super honest body language. Power song? No Doubt- Don’t Speak


(Dec.23-Jan.20)
Capricorn- she blinded me with science.… Guess being blinded by science beats being blinded by a Mason jar full of hydrochloric acid. (Like this)Thing is, you generally don’t go to jail for blinding someone with science. And you definitely won’t end up murdered by gypsies like Joe Mantegna did. That being said, blind your foes with a scientifical plan of attack this week instead of brute force frontal assault. Otherwise you could end up….THINNNNNNERRRR. Power song? Thomas Dolby- She Blinded Me With Science


(Feb.20-Mar.20)
Pisces-fathers teach you to take it on.….. It is a cyacht damned shame Black Rebel Motorcycle Club aren’t a bigger band than they are. 800 times better than anything Rise Against ever put out. And if you disagree with that statement, GET OFF MY IMAGINARY LAWN YOU LITTLE SH!TS!! That being said, the neglect that rock radio stations have shown for one of my favorite bands taught me a valuable lesson….neglect can be a great teacher. That is, if you don’t let the frustration neglect emotionally rule you. Rise or fall Pisces, it’s up to you. Power song? BRMC- Rise or Fall


(May22-June21)
Gemini- oh i get hysterical, hysteria.…With your proclivity towards nervousness you Gemini can get downright hysterical whenst under the right kinda pressure. And with the Mayan apocalypse upon us those kinda hysterics could make you easy prey. You don’t wanna end up like Otis in the Walking Dead do you? I don’t know what specific flavor of hell is about to be visited upon us but should you want to live long enough to repopulate the earth (AND TRUST ME YOU DO), you best figure out how to center yourself whilst under pressure. Power song? Def Leppard- Hysteria


(Jan.21-Feb.19)
Aquarius- its you that’s on my computer screen cause its you that’s on my mind….Yea, Facebook stalking is a great way to gather intel and all but at some point you’re gonna have to green light this whole mission. Otherwise all of this has been a creepy waste of time. The time for texts, Facebook pokes and flirty Words With Friends chat is over. Hit print on this digital love and give it a presence in the physical world. If this doesn’t apply to you as you are currently happy with a significant other then…… whattre you doing reading this? Go bang them and stop wasting every body else’s time. Power song? Big Boi feat. Phantogram- CPU


(Sept.23-Oct.24)
Libra- who is an honest man?……..Honesty is actually the SECOND best policy. Know what’s the first? An insurance policy. Unless you lived in Gulf Coast Mississippi in 2007 and State Farm was your holder. You Libra’s have an innate penchant for gullibility and this makes you a target for confidence men. CON MEN. Or women. Be wary of anyone shilling “truths” this week because due to that aforementioned gullibility you could be taken for everything you’ve got if you don’t have a insurance plan with a high-deductible for inherent credulity. Power song? David Bryne y St. Vincent- Who

http://youtu.be/hpPYKJAnwUo

View Comments
blog comments powered by Disqus
Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 388 other followers