The Evolution of (Hungover) Man

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Photo by Marco De Lauro//Getty Images

Photo by Marco De Lauro//Getty Images

It’s a long path back to humanity after a night out. Let us guide you through the stages.

The Ow!-Moeba (4am-7am)

The Ow!-Moeba is the common ancestor for all hungover life on earth. An extremely primimitive creature, the Ow!-moeba consisted of a dense membrane of blankets, last night’s clothes and vomit that protected a soft, flabby matrix made up of alcohol, fast-food and regret.

This primordial precursor of true humanity displayed no signs of higher intelligence, lacking self-awareness. Formed through a complex process known as “inebriation” the Ow!-moeba was a stationary creature and relied on the production and release of noxious gasses to deter potential predators

Austra-Oh-F*&k-This! (7am-8am)

Also known as “Never Again Man”

The next stage in mankind’s, often ugly, evolutionary path to sobriety was only slightly more sophisticated than the Ow!-Moeba. The Austr-oh-F*&k-this!, a species so primitive and un-evolved that many experts agree that it still was not capable of even basic speech, instead communicating through a collection of coughs, farts and moans.

Although still incapable of higher thought or even walking upright this particular species were capable of using basic tools such as the coffee maker and the toaster.

Although Austr-oh-F*&k-this! were a nomadic species they moved quite slowly and delicately and, as such, were easy prey for natural predators such as judgmental parents, jerk roommates or bosses. The only real defense this species possessed was the ability to fire a stream of foul-smelling liquid from its mouth, a tactic that experts believe was used to keep these predators from coming too close.

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