How to Work Out (like a Jerk)

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Photo  by Mahmud Hams//Getty Images

Photo by Mahmud Hams//Getty Images

Everyone knows that having muscles is a surefire way to get the ladies (definitely don’t try to get smart). When I go to the gym I see guys doing all of the wrong moves on the wrong equipment. Either they don’t understand how to properly lift heavy things or they just enjoy looking dumb (refer to sentence above). The amount of weight a man can lift in the gym is directly proportional to the size of his wiener, which is why I am actually starting a charity donating 10% of my junk to those who have so little. If you follow this guide your wiener will be just as big and you’ll be able to show off your sexy-ass muscles to the rest of the world (you’ll really only be impressing the other dudes in the gym). So let me be your personal trainer, just like your mom, you can find comfort getting spotted under these pecs.

BUY WORKOUT CLOTHES!

This is just a necessary step. How are you supposed to lift weights or run when you don’t have proper clothing? Drop a grand, make it rain on Dick’s (wait, what?), buy Under Armor because your skin is weak and soft (You ever see Usain Bolt in a plain tee?). Buy shirts with no sleeves. The most important is footwear. People weren’t even able to run before Nike made proper running shoes and that’s a fact I just made up, just like that. If you don’t spend at least a few hundred dollars on work out clothes you’re never going to get anywhere. Buy a water bottle; buy Northface jackets, and hopefully a shirt that has some sort of gym logo on it. This will only increase what your muscles can do. It’s like science (only it’s not all mathematical and stuff).

Read more at http://mancave.cbslocal.com.

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