How Not to Tip at a Restaurant
by Josh Hrala
Going to a restaurant is one of the most fun things one can do in life, right up there with watching people getting hit in the junk (the America’s Funniest Home Videos way, not the sexual way. Weirdos.) Going to a restaurant maybe something you do on a first date with a potential mate or out with your boss (also a potential mate, you REALLY need that promotion). No matter what the situation, I can guarantee you will have to pay for the meal, unless you dine and dash but lets face it, if that is a legit strategy in your “proper etiquette” tool kit you should probably not be at a fancy restaurant anyway.
4. Leaving Notes
Okay, put on your imagination helmets real fast and get those fictional gears turning because I’m about to paint a seductive little scene. You’re out and about on the town with your coworkers (or friends, but that may be too much of an imaginative leap), who slave their days away doing something that is essentially meaningless to them and all you want to do is get a drink. Say you’re with your boss. Say he finds himself to be some sort of comedian (it’s hard not to get laughs when you sign everyone’s pay check) and wants to leave the waitress a critical note on the bill because what scholars call “an @$$#()!%.”
You are now at the crossroads (cue Bone Thugs!) of a Choose Your Own Adventure where one road leads to happily leaving a tip and going home, lighting some candles and really making an evening for yourself, or a road that leads to you becoming hated by the Internet (no not for recording your solo romantic evening, that actually might nab you some fame). The choice here should be simple, tell the boss to tip and not be a clown, but you won’t because he is your boss. Take this (ficional?) guy for example. He was all pissed off about the whole 99 percent thing–so pissed that he left a note on the tab that said get a real job and then left a 1 percent tip.
Quickly, the Internet showed up to set suckers straight when a picture of the receipt was posted online. Some say it was a joke picture and that the boss really didn’t say those things and other people claimed it to be true. The real point is that if you’re an ass to a waitress on a receipt and it turns up online you’re going to get $#!+ for it. So, how do you make sure this doesn’t happen to you? Simple. Quit taking pictures of your bad jokes. Of course you can’t quit giving the waitress a hard time–that’d be way to gentlemanly of you, so just don’t post the evidence. Done. Bam. Boom. Good game.