Drink Your Favorite Band Beers

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(Photo by Jamie Squire/Getty Images)

(Photo by Jamie Squire/Getty Images)

by Brian Cullen

Hanson made a beer. And the thing you think it’s called is actually its real name. I’ll give you a minute.

Yes. Mmmhops. It’s called Mmmhops.

I’m bugged by this. Not because I begrudge them success or because I’m critical of being a child act that’s still around. Hell, some of our best, brightest people survived the gauntlet of childhood fame (see: Wilson, Mara and Patrick Harris, Neil). No, I’m bugged by Hanson brewing a beer because it’s a preposterous combination of things. And you’ve gotta understand: as a writer, every time Nancy Reagan sits on Mr. T’s lap or Lance Bass considers becoming a Lass Basstronaut, I have one less over-the-top piece of hyperbole I can use to express my utter dismay at something. For instance:

“Discuss my crippling agoraphobia with my concerned family? Sure. I’ll get to that when Hanson starts marketing beer.”

So thanks, Hanson. You’ve made this Thanksgiving one for the ages, guys.

Seriously though, this beer could actually be A-OK. The name and tagline of the beer are, actually, “Mmmhops, from the guys that invented Mmmbop.” That’s pretty hysterical. And at least they’re going with a pale ale. For once, I’m going to update my outlook from “STRANGERS ARE OUT TO GET ME!” to “Cautiously Optimistic.”

But they’re not the only musicians to get into the beer game. Hell, beer and musicians go together like beer and musicians. So what other notable brews are borne of the spirit of catchy tunes? Here’s a flight for you to sample:
K.I.S.S. Destroyer
This picture could have been taken in any year from 1973 to 1983 or 1996 to yesterday.

This picture could have been taken in any year from 1973 to 1983 or 1996 to yesterday.

I should warn you that I have something of a bias against KISS., but just because they’re boring, old and depressing, and even at their peak, their music was bland platter of adult contemporary music, which was a complete misrepresentation of their silly demon makeup. And if that last sentence moves members of the KISS Army to battle, that’s fine. I’ve fought septuagenarians before. Won’t be my first rodeo.

Now then, let’s see what KISS has to say about their own line of beverages:

(ahem)

These show-stopping vintages capture the fierce style and flavor of KISS. Paul Stanley and Gene Simmons sum it up in screaming style, “This stuff will set your taste buds on fire. If you love beer and wine, this one is for you.

Let’s go ahead and break this down one play at a time.
Looks like a 1991 lo-cal beer marketed to women.

Looks like a 1991 lo-cal beer marketed to women.

1) Can a beer be a vintage, or did KISS’s marketing intern just throw a fancy word on the latest embarrassment publicly condoned by a group of 60-year olds with cat makeup?

2) What exactly is the “fierce style and flavor of KISS”? Cold cream? Ageless mediocrity? Or does it just mean these overly marketed drinks deliver all the punch of a dribbly European shower* (*not a euphemism**)(**I think).

3) Ratebeer.com gives it a 45. Yes, out of 100.

4) “If you love beer and you love wine, this one is for you.” Count that again. “If you love these two things, you’ll love this one thing.”

5) Were they literally screaming this quote when they summed it up in screaming style? I’d absolutely watch a press conference where Gene Simmons screams “THIS STUFF WILL SET YOUR TASTE BUDS ON FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRE!”
*expensive fireworks explode*
*people are still hungry in 3rd world nations*

6) Setting one’s taste buds on fire is just about the least appealing sounding flavor in the world. That’s what happens when you drink corn mash liquor once you realize you’re out of beer, and the only option left is Uncle Gus’s “No-no” cabinet. “How does it taste?” “Augh! Like my taste buds are on fire!” “Oh my God, do you need a doctor?” “I don’t know! The flavor is so fierce! Blarghl!”

But, at the very least, you can’t purchase it in America. So there’s one for the good old US of A.

Our Alternative Punny Names: “Stout it Out Loud” or “Rock and Roll All Night and Double IPA.”

Read about the other beers at Mancave.CBSLocal.com!

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