For the pros, gambling on football is an exact science. FYI: I failed in science at every level. Don’t blame me, I went to public school in the Deep South. But dammit, JACK FM Website Director Commissioner Gordon wants me to write an NFL column every week so here you go. Clean out your kids college fund because you’re gonna need it if you listen to me this year.
Oakland Raiders ( ) @ Indianapolis Colts
Remember the Hindenburg? Cause if you do, got-damn you’re old. But if you do in fact remember that disaster, this years Oakland Raiders are going to bear a striking resemblance to that huge manatee. I mean, we may be talking all-time futility here. Wait, didn’t I say that about LAST years Raiders team? Maybe I’m wrong, maybe the Autumn Wind will blow….it’s just too bad Indianapolis plays in a dome. Even with all the evidence to the contrary, I remain the optimist…..that the Raiders can at least cover that 10 point spread. Take the Raiders, seriously….how much worse can it possibly get?
The 2013 Jets might be the Raiders only competition for the #1 pick in the 2014 draft. By the time this Jets season is over New Yorkers are gonna be wishing Al-Qaeda crashed planes into Met Life Stadium instead of the World Trade Center. Terrible D, no offensive weapons, and a quarterback situation that has jets ownership wondering if Browning Nagle is still available? The 2013 Jets may be the first team in NFL history to go 0-17. They’re a 3½ dog at home to start the season and that is being generous. Take the Bucs to cover here and if you think YOUR life is in shambles, watch the Jets this year for a quick pick me up.
Houston Texas @ San Diego Chargers (-3½)
If you thought that rape scene in Deliverance was hard to watch, I would advise against watching the Monday Night Football match-up of the Houston Texans vs the San Diego Chargers. The Chargers should maybe wear their powder blue uniforms for this one because they’re gonna need some Gold Bond before this is all is said and done. The Chargers are only getting 3½ in this game but that wont even be enough, so if you wanna squeal like a pig, tune into ESPN Monday at 7:20p. Take the Texans.
Green Bay Packers ( @ San Francisco 49ers
Packers v 49ers is your marquee match-up of Week 1. 49ers are a 4½ point favorite at home and why wouldn’t they be after narrowly missing a Super Bowl Championship last year? And according to Vegas, San Fran is the favorite to represent the NFC in the Super Bowl again this year. But, and I think I speak for all of Los Angeles here when I say, “I wish Loma Prieta would return and finish what it started in 1989.” Ok, maybe that’s a bit harsh but screw it, here’s to hoping Aaron Rodgers and that Packer offense leaves San Fran in a metaphorical pile of rubble. Take the Pack to cover and win.
So there they are. My probably-wrong and most definitely offensive picks for Week 1 of the 2013 NFL Season. Happy gambling and remember, we’re not all Kenny Rogers…problems gambling? Call 1-800-GAMBLER.