2013 is over people. Done. Finito. Outta here. Old news.
2014, on the other hand, is all the rage. But you might not make it trough 2014. Do you know why? Because 2014 is trying to ruin your life. From emptying your bank account to draining you mentally to actually ending your life, here’s a look at how 2014 is gonna try to take you out, and what you can do about it.
Money and Stuff
- Target security breach: You may have heard about the massive Target security breach that happened just before Christmas. Over 40 million debit and credit cards were compromised. Even if you weren’t directly affected by this, chances are, as we rely more and more on our cards rather than cash, that you too will have your info stolen.
What to do: Try to use cash whenever possible, especially at places where you lose sight of your card (the drive-thru, for example). Don’t use your card at places where the card reader looks tampered with. Monitor your bank statements frequently and look for suspicious activity. Have ever looked at your own credit report?
- Uber and Lyft: Drunk driving is for morons (see below), so you decide to buy a ride. Smart move. However, traditional taxis are losing ground to social media powered services like Uber and Lyft that facilitate cheap rides with drivers from your neighborhood. There are risks, however. Uber’s price surging policy can leave you with a tab that is literally hundreds of dollars. Other Uber drivers may hold your personal possessions hostage should you accidentally forget them.
What to do: Use the Uber app to make sure you know what you’re paying. Don’t leave crap in their cars. Try public transportation, traditional taxis, having a friend drive, or try something most Los Angelinos don’t think about: walking. Just don’t get nabbed for being drunk in public.
- Obamacare: The Affordable Care Act, or Obamacare as it’s become known, makes having health insurance the law. If you don’t have health care from either work or school, you’re gonna have to pony up and buy some. It can be a little confusing, however…
What to do:Healthcare.gov is a good place to start. Here you can find resources to help you decide which policy you ultimately will end up buying. Pay attention to things like premiums and deductible, so you don’t end up forking over $1000 dollars for a hospital visit. Also, you’ll want to enroll by March 31st to avoid any additional fees.
Mental Well Being
- TV: For one reason or another, you will writhe in anguish over your favorite TV shows. Breaking Bad is gone. How I Met Your Mother is in its final season, as is Mad Men. Game of Thrones will rip your still beating heart out as it continues to massacre characters you’ve grown to love. TV in 2014 ain’t gonna be easy.
What to do: Luckily there are still plenty of good shows out there. There’s Game of Thrones and The Walking Dead, if you can stand the heartache. Bar Rescue for you reality TV junkies. The eternal Doctor Who. And for those of you still suffering from Breaking Bad withdrawals, you Better Call Saul.
- The Internet: What was once lauded as the ultimate tool to make the world a smaller place has morphed into a sea of absurdity. Viral videos and memes may cause the end of society, but we’ll be laughing all the way to oblivion. The Harlem Shake. Grumpy Cat. Hot Dog Legs. That stupid Facebook giraffe. They distract us. They make us laugh. They turn our minds into mush.
What to do: Make your own viral video/meme, hope it catches the imagination of society and get rich.
- Colorado Marijuana law: For the first time ever, in Colorado you will be able to buy marijuana like it was alcohol or cigarettes, no prescription necessary. And although this is a joyous occasion, it could also get you in a lot of trouble. The state of Colorado may allow you to buy purchase marijuana for recreational purposes, but the federal government still views marijuana as an illegal substance. This can be very confusing for dudes that want to just chill out but are arrested by federal agents.
What to do: Move to Colorado. Join the fight for freedom. Just be aware that you can technically still be arrested, charged and convicted by the man. But you’ll probably be too stoned to even care.
Life and Death
- DARPA’s Killer Robots: Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency, or DARPA, is in the business of keeping “technological superiority of the U.S. military.” It does this by sponsoring “revolutionary, high-payoff research.” They’re currently holding a robotics challenge. At first it seems pretty cool until you realize, with technology and computing getting more powerful everyday, that we are that much closer to Skynet.
What to do: Welcome your robot overlords, pray they’ve been programmed to show mercy.
- Drunk Driving: Drinking and driving is bad enough, but drinking and driving on New Year’s Eve? You deserve to be taken off the road, hopefully before you kill someone. 2014 begins it’s assault on your well being from the get go, but out of everything we mentioned, this is the easiest to prevent.
What to do: Get a cab. Use Uber or Lyft (just beware of the dangers). Get a designated driver driver. In short, if you’re drinking, DON’T DRIVE.
– Carlos Delgado, CBS Radio