By Nadia Noir
April Fools! These are some of the worst songs of that decade which was simultaneously amazing and atrocious when it came to art, culture, and pretty much everything. The economy was good, the kids were mostly spoiled, prescription drugs were popping off, psychotropic lifestyles were de rigueur, being a tweaked out slacker was about as cool as being a heroin junkie grunge kid and as cool as being an X-dosed rave brat.
All the girls were experimenting with sexuality and feminism; dudes were super into androgyny and “art.” Music became this international amalgamation of Latin grooves, reggae-rock, trip-hop, granola chick grunge, and something else, something more insidious: the ability for the music industry to pay for just about anything that was happening.
Ten years later, it would be a totally different story with the advent of mp3s, but the musicians of the ’90s got to enjoy fame while being pretty bad. Because as long as your tips were frosted and/or you played an acoustic guitar, you could be in questionably successful band.
“Barbie Girl” by Aqua
It’s this didn’t make you want to rip your eardrums out of your head, you’re either missing out on some zen master spiritual calling or you’re a sick and twisted musical masochist.
We’re pretty sure this is what drove George Michael to public acts of indecency since this is one of the biggest public acts of indecency we’ve ever been subjected to.
“Steal My Sunshine” by Len
In the song, he sings about “indulging in his self-defeat.” That’s basically the whole mantra for this song. Because as horrible as it is, it’s freakin’ catchy and elicits a sort of infectious self-disgust. Try to not get this stuck in your head.
“Cotton-Eyed Joe” by Rednex
Don’t remember this song? Bless your sheltered soul. Or maybe you were just way better at blocking it out than us.
“No Sex” by Chris Rock
Worst song ever? Maybe, but the advice was pretty sound.
“Butterfly” by Crazytown
We remember the summer this song came out. It was the height of the tramp stamp, tongue ring, and frosted-tipped hair. Those were dark times.
“Tubthumping” by Chumbawumba
A song about alcoholism that Americans thought was literally talking about drinking too much and urinating because of said excess. Maybe this song should have stayed on the other side of the “pond.”
“Everybody’s Free To Wear Sunscreen” by Baz Luhrmann
Even though the ’90s was one of the most economically-stable decades of the century, we all apparently suffered from such hardcore Slackers-style angst that made millions of 20-somethings start popping antidepressants that Baz Luhrmann wrote a song that was basically a lecture and we all loved it. Weeee.
“Blue” by Eiffel 65
A lot of drugs went into making this song. That, or it was written by the creator of Yo Gabba Gabba! while he was going through his rave phase.
“The Bum Bum Song” by Tom Green
This song was once #1 in America. And you think we’re screwed now. Think again.
“Bitch” by Meredith Brooks
You’re right, Meredith. You shouldn’t be ashamed for being a multifaceted woman. However, you should feel ashamed for writing this god awful song.
“MMM MMM MMM MMM” by Crash Test Dummies
This song is the easiest ever to karaoke mostly because it sounds like some drunk sloppy guy forgot the lyrics to the chorus which is basically all karaoke is.
“Where Have All The Cowboys Gone” by Paula Cole
OK, so maybe this song isn’t that bad comparatively and the author’s hate is personal, but sometimes that’s all you need.
“Hobo Humpin Slobo Babe” by Whale
The ’90s. When braces on grown women in trip-hop/Red Hot Chili Pepper rip-off bands was actually kind of hot. Except not in this instance. Nope.
“Who Let The Dogs Out” by Baha Men
No. Don’t even try to argue this one, bro. There are no redeeming qualities to this song other than starting a horrible yet entertaining trend where people barked at each other in the street.